The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews the Debaters in Houston

Wherein our intrepid talk radio host interviews the Presidential Candidate Debaters in Houston.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

Debaters in Houston, Julian Castro by DonkeyHotey
Julian Castro was one of the debaters in Houston. Caricature by DonkeyHotey, flickr.com.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Houston, we got a problem. The Democratic debaters in Houston battled recently, but ended up with no sign of a leader emerging. I have three candidates in studio to discuss the presidential race and why they should be president. Former Vice President Joe Biden, former Secretary of Housing and Urban Development Julian Castro and the U.S. Senator from Minnesota Amy Klobuchar.

JOE BIDEN

Can I just say a few words before we get started?

JERRY

Sure. I’m not listening anyway.

BIDEN

My memory is sharp as ever. I didn’t appreciate being degraded by Fidel Castro over there.

JULIAN CASTRO

It’s Julian.

BIDEN

I know all about you and your brother Raul.

CASTRO

I’m Mexican, not Cuban.

BIDEN

Right. And I’m Chinese.

AMY KLOBUCHAR

I didn’t know that Uncle Joe. There’s an old Chinese saying. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

JERRY

Secretary Castro. Why do you want to be president?

CASTRO

I want pre-K for the USA. Increase access to affordable housing. Medicare for all. A comprehensive immigration proposal. And remove lead from the U.S. water supply.

KLOBUCHAR

Julian. Why not start by getting the lead out of your rear end? I’m from Minnesota and I know something about lead. My grandfather was an iron ore worker on the Mesabi Range.

JERRY

What do you get when you drop a piano into an iron ore mine?

KLOBUCHAR

I don’t know.

JERRY

A Flat Minor.

KLOBUCHAR

That sounds right. You betcha.

JERRY

Why do you want to be president?

KLOBUCHAR

Because the guy in the White House is running a reality show. He would rather lie than lead. I have big ideas. A plan to combat drug and alcohol addiction, improve mental health, healthcare and prescription drug costs reduced, and education like we have in Minnesota.

CASTRO

I did some research on education in Minnesota under your leadership.

KLOBUCHAR

Bring it on, Don Juan.

CASTRO

Do you know what the average student got on the SAT?

KLOBUCHAR

No.

CASTRO

Drool.

BIDEN

Well, it won’t happen when I’m president. My wife Jill is a college professor. She knows a thing or two about education. What were you talking about, Fidel?

CASTRO

See. You forgot. My name is Julian.

BIDEN

Do you know that Mexico’s greatest super hero is Juan-der-Woman?

JERRY

Mr. Vice President. Why do you want to be president?

BIDEN

Jerry. The 2020 election is a battle for the soul of this nation. I am the experienced elder statesman ready to restore stability to Washington and the world. The rich will pay their fair share of taxes and middle class income will go up. Affordable healthcare for all and to all a good night.

JERRY

What do you mean good night? It’s morning. The show isn’t over.

KLOBUCHAR

He’s sound asleep.

CASTRO

Excuse me. My leg has gone to sleep. Mind if I join Joe?

JERRY

Now what, Senator? You’re the last one standing. Show me your funny side.

KLOBUCHAR

“Daddy,” a little girl asked her father. “Do all fairy tales begin with Once Upon A Time?” “No, Sweetheart” he answered. Some begin with “If I’m elected.”

JERRY

C’mon. You can come up with something funnier.

KLOBUCHAR

Okay. Why did Barack Obama bulldoze the Rose Garden?

JERRY

No clue.

KLOBUCHAR

He didn’t want any Bushes at the White House.

JERRY

Good one. See you tomorrow everyone.

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Dean Kaner

Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis.
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