Ripping the Headlines Today, 2/18/19

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Amazon pulls out

Amazon pulls out of NYC HQ

…look for the Enquirer to publish pics of the pull out.

Bella Thorne says she lost roles after coming out as bisexual

Although it did double the chances of her having a date on a Saturday night!

NBA All Star Weekend

…or, as the the Kardashians call it ‘Tinder.’

Who is running for president in 2020?

Wouldn’t it be quicker to list who isn’t?

Happy birthday to Charles Darwin, who would have been 210 today

And congrats to the Trump Administration for working so hard to prove him wrong!

Indictment: Ex-‘American Idol’ contestant was drug courier

… and a little pitchy.

Miranda Lambert ‘dumped a salad’ in a woman’s lap during restaurant spat

That’ll teach her to order the tossed salad!

Ted Cruz wants El Chapo to pay for the U.S/Mexico Border Wall

Wondering if that means Cruz is gonna pay for all our Zodiac readings.

Big Grammy winners: Cardi B, Childish Gambino, Drake

Damn, so many black artists rocked the Grammys the Governor of Virginia’s gonna go nuts picking who to dress up as!

Gentleman’s Quarterly: Fidel Castro slept with 35,000 women

…  So, Fidel Castro is Spanish for Wilt Chamberlain.

Police arrested two Nigerians for the attack on Jussie Smollett

Damn, I hope we’re not related ’cause I have a really rich Uncle in Nigeria who keeps emailing me.

Hand Jobs’ salon is causing controversy for its suggestive name

Finally, a news story with a happy ending.

Ann Coulter after Trump’s National Emergency order: ‘The only national emergency is that our President is an idiot’

Damn you, Trump, for making me agree with Ann Coulter.

Brother of Lauren Sanchez reportedly is source of Bezos’ leaked texts, photos

And, you think your family get-togethers are awkward…

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)
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