Ripping the Headlines Today, 6/30/20

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Jeff Bezos DonkeyHotey
Jeff Bezos. Caricature by DonkeyHotey, flickr.com.

Jeff Bezos is willing to testify before Congress

… and, if they sign up for Amazon Prime he’ll be there within 48 hours…

Dick Cheney crosses party lines to promote face makes

In fact, Cheney believes so much in face masks he makes people who go hunting with him wear one with a target on it.

Phase 3 of reopening to include youth sports, limited spectators

Things are so bad for sports fans get ready for the phrase, “Are you ready for some Foosball?”

Kanye and The Gap struck a 10-year deal

While R. Kelly could be looking for one with Forever 21 to Life.

Trump wants to challenge Biden to take cognitive test

… and blood sugar and cholesterol tests. Best two out of three wins …

Happy 76th birthday, Carly Simon

You probably think this joke is about you? Don’t you? Don’t you?

Costco is discontinuing a bakery favorite & the pandemic may be to blame

Say goodbye to that box of bran muffins that serves 127.

Trump won’t rename Army posts that honor Confederates

I’m thinking if they renamed them after him he’d be ok… like rename Fort Bragg and call it Fort Braggart…

Heidi Klum likes to brush her teeth while topless

So, this season she’s also going to compete on ‘America’s Got Talent’…

Trump says that “if we stop testing right now, we’d have very few cases” of the coronavirus

Hmmm, if Trump thinks stopping testing will cut down on the coronavirus, then to hell with the wall, just stop checking documents at the border and they’ll be no more illegal immigration.

Aunt Jemima changing its name and logo

Sounds like the only time we’ll ever see Aunt Jemima out in public again is when Megyn Kelly dresses as her for Halloween!

Texas Governor halts new phases of reopening state’s economy

The state song is now ‘The Texas Two Steps Backward.’

“It was so crazy”: Man grabs shark with bare hands on Delaware beach in viral video

In fairness, he was surprised to see his talent agent in Delaware.

Reports Trump still pissed at the size of his Tulsa rally

… now he knows how Stormy felt …

Paul Lander
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