[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Startling Poll Results Indicate Why Romney Can’t Win Women’s Vote

Republicans are doing everything they can to turn the tides on the upcoming election and get the women’s vote, by trying to change their minds about Mitt Romney. A recent poll shows it is going to be virtually impossible.

According to results of a recent national poll taken by women ages 30 to 65, over three-quarters of the participants stated they would vote for Barack Obama, not because he’s the best man for the job, but because they have a mad crush on him.

Obama wooing Women’s Vote
Barry woos women without really trying.

“You could have knocked me over with a feather,” said Barney Frumm, the man in charge of collecting and assimilating the data from the polls. “The President appears to be somewhat of a sex symbol with women in this country, and that could spell doom with a double “D” for Mitt Romney.

What has Republicans stumped is how this could have happened, especially in light of the fact that the poll was taken right after President Obama appeared on “Late Night with Jimmy Fallon,” where he participated in a segment of the show called the slow jam news. Republicans believe good solid Republican women should never have fallen for such a cheap trick.

Rush Limbaugh weighed in on the poll results by saying “What the hell just happened here folks? The President all of a sudden is the most popular guy with the gals? Have you women all gone completely insane? Are you all sluts?”

One of the questions answered in the poll may be the key to just why Barack Obama has come to be known as one of the sexiest Presidents in United States history, trailing John F. Kennedy by mere points.

“It’s not a power thing with these woman,” said Frumm. “From what we can tell, it was the question ‘With whom do you associate Barack Obama more, George Washington, Booker T. Washington or Barry White?’ The answer was a clear Barry White,” concluded Frumm.

“Actually,” said Frumm, “some of the participants called the President by his nickname ‘Barry’ when asked which political candidate seems to enter their thoughts more often these days.”

When asked if he had any comment on the poll results, Mitt Romney simply broke into a slow rendition of Pat Boone’s “Why Baby Why.”

“That,” says Frumm, “pretty much sums up why Mitt Romney doesn’t have much chance at all of winning a majority of the women’s vote in November.”

P. Beckert