[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

New Bill Would Put Legislation Up for Auction, Help Pay Down Debt

‘We already let lobbyists write legislation, so why not make something off it?’ asks Speaker John Boehner

Congress is currently debating the “Fair Pay for Fair Laws Act” in the Senate and a companion bill in the House, called the “Pay to Rule Act.” The legislation would make it possible for Congress to auction off the right to write the nation’s laws to the highest bidder.

The proposed bill itself was originally drafted by ALEC (the American Legislative Exchange Council), which has authored many bills in the past, but had to go through the cumbersome process of bribing Congressional representatives to pass it.

Legislation for auction, Corporate America flag

“This bill streamlines the process,” said House Majority Leader, Republican Eric Cantor, at a press conference at the Capitol building this morning, “leaving us more time for the important things – holding fundraisers, for example, and later, wining and dining the biggest donors.”

Asked if the process is really good for democracy, Cantor replied, “‘What is good for huge corporations,’ to paraphrase the old saying, ‘is good for America.'”

This new legislative effort to “strengthen America by strengthening our corporate allies,” as Speaker of the House John Boehner put it, comes on the heels of last year’s November announcement by the multi-billionaire Koch brothers, when they promised to “retool” Congress in the coming election cycle. The Kochs indicated that they would hire a whole new group of representatives that would “serve the real America.” “We are improving our product line, and we pledge to America that we will install the very best government money can buy,” the Kochs proclaimed at the time.

“It’s all about investment. It is clear that nothing gets done on Capitol Hill without capital,” said Cantor. “That’s the American way. So we’re just codifying it, and preparing the way to make our legislative process work much more efficiently.”

Ben Nelson, the only Democratic Senator to back the bill said, “Why not let the market openly decide, as it should decide everything?”

“Also, I’m quitting after this term, and backing this bill will guarantee me a cushy lobbying job,” he added.

Moderate Democrats in both houses, however, say it doesn’t go far enough. “The amount of profit that would accrue from the law as proposed is minuscule,” said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid. “The American people demand to know that their government is not selling them out too cheaply.”

But Boehner wants to hold the line. “These are the job creators,” he said, shedding a tear. “Haven’t they already given enough?”

“It’s time for Democrats to quit stalling and impeding progress,” demanded Cantor. “This will pave the way for many needed improvements.”

Among the “improvements” ALEC and corporate America are preparing to bid on, once this bill passes, is legislation to:

  • Lower the minimum wage and institute a “maximum wage,” which will be initially set at $35.00 an hour, and then ratcheted down at an annual rate, inversely tied to inflation. Of course, it would not apply to millionaires and billionaires. “We need them to get even richer, so their bank accounts overflow and trickle down upon a grateful nation,” said Cantor.
  • Repeal all environmental legislation and abolish the EPA. “Buncha commies anyway,” said Boehner.
  • Set a flat tax, called 9-9-9, after Herman Cain’s proposals. However, in this version, the very rich (top 1 percent) pay 9%, and the rest pay 99%. “They are the 99 percent, after all, as they keep reminding us,” chided Cantor.
  • Switch the lobbyist’s and congress member’s parking spaces, so legislators have further to walk. “It’ll be good for them,” said David Koch, “a lot of them are getting kind of fat.”
  • Repeal Obamacare and institute “Cantorcare,” which would basically allow drug companies, hospitals and health insurance companies carte blanche in setting rates. “Whatever the market can afford,” said Cantor, “that’s what I call healthy.”
  • A “The Bigger the Better” law, which would turn the “too big to fail” concept on its head. It would encourage banks to grow as large as possible, gobbling each other up, until one bank would control all finance in the country, and would assimilate all Wall Street financial firms as well. “This would simplify everything,” said Boehner, “and if it goes belly up, it would also simplify the bailout. We would just give them everything.”
  • “War for Piece” legislation, which would enable corporations to vote on where to go to war next. “This would give our fighting corporate men and women — God bless ’em, we appreciate their service —  the best chance to get a bigger slice of whatever pie is up for grabs — oil, minerals, cheap labor — you name it,” Boehner said.

As he ended the press conference, Rep. Boehner raised his fist, and, choking back the tears that were by now flowing freely, he shouted, “There’s a lot to do in Washington, and it’s time we politicians got out of the way!”

James Israel
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