The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Oleg Svenson, an Alaskan Fisherman

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews an Alaskan fisherman.

Watch episodes 1 and 2 of The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? Maybe. Today on the show my guest is my old neighbor Oleg Svenson, a commercial Alaskan fisherman from Wasilla.

Alaskan fisherman
Commercial Alaskan fisherman.

JERRY

Good morning, Oleg.

OLEG SVENSON

Ahoy, Jerry.

JERRY

Where are you? I hear wind on the line

OLEG

I’m on a fishin rig between Russia and Alaska. We’re tryin to catch crabs.

JERRY

You should of told me. I know a few women that could of helped you fellas out.

OLEG

No. I’m talkin Alaskan King crab. That’s where the big bucks are.

JERRY

It’s such dangerous work you do at sea. I remember when my Uncle Elmer got caught up on a coil line and fell overboard. A minute later a great white shark swallowed him whole. My dad said he was always spoiled.

OLEG

I hope the shark didn’t get sick. They’re an endangered species ya know.

JERRY

So is you mind.

OLEG

We’re careful, Jerry. We have these 800 pound steel cages called crab pots where we catch these little critters. They take herring bait at the top of the ramp and fall in the pot.

JERRY

Always wondered. Why do crabs walk up the ramp sideways to take the bait?

OLEG

Because they have nothin’ to look forward to. Ya know, we don’t just fish for crab. We catch sockeye and king salmon. Halibut, too. The other day a salmon walked into a vegetarian restaurant. The waiter said, “Sorry, we don’t serve fish.”  The  poor thing had to settle for a bean burger.

JERRY

Hey, folks. I read that 80% of wild salmon comes from Alaska. 43 million were harvested last year. That sounds fishy to me. Is it true, Oleg?

OLEG

Ya. These fish are so gullible. They fall for things hook, line and sinker.

JERRY

It must be rough being at sea and away from your family for weeks at a time.

OLEG

Oh, ya. But we entertain ourselves. Play tug of war. I always tell the guys if you fall overboard and look up at the boat, you’re probably drowning.

JERRY

Oleg. My late mother Maggie just stopped by. She wants to ask you a few questions.

OLEG

Sure. Hi Maggie. How’s life treatin’ ya?

MAGGIE DUNCAN

I have no life. I’m dead, stupid.

OLEG

My condolences. I had a brain fart.

MAGGIE

Oleg. You’re out to sea or out to lunch. One of the two.

OLEG

You betcha.

MAGGIE

What I can’t understand is why people get attacked by sharks. Can they not hear the music?

OLEG

You’re funny. I get it, Jaws.. great white shark.

MAGGIE

I’ve been doing stand up at For Heaven’s Sake Comedy Club. I’m the opening act for The 3 Stooges. Just the other day, Moe told me that I was a pretty smart ignoramus.

OLEG

Do you know the best way to communicate with a fish?

MAGGIE

Drop it a line.

OLEG

How did you know?

MAGGIE

I wrote the joke.

JERRY

Oleg. I can barely hear you. What’s going on?

OLEG

I think there’s a storm. The waves are crashin over the boat. Oh man, it’s a giant female gray whale!

JERRY

Is she going to tip your boat over?

MAGGIE

Do you want me to call God?! I have his cell phone number.

OLEG

Hold on. I think I can communicate with her.

MAGGIE

What? You flunked English.

OLEG

I’m fluent in Blubber.

JERRY

Folks. I don’t know what’s happening.

OLEG

I’m back. She’s pissed.

JERRY

What happened?

OLEG

I asked her if I gave her the crabs would she go away.

JERRY

You idiot. Tell her the Alaskan King crabs in you pot.

OLEG

Good idea.

MAGGIE

Now I know why his mother slapped the doctor when he was born.

OLEG

It worked, Jerry. You saved the day. She swam yonder.

MAGGIE

See what you can do Jerry when you put your mind to it? Just remember, your mother always loves you.

JERRY

Tomorrow everyone if I don’t go insane.

 

The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner

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