[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Biden Voters Exhibit Bizarre Behavior to Cope with Election Anxiety

Reports from around the country indicate that supporters of Joe Biden are suffering from election anxiety.

As the election nears, reports from around the country indicate that supporters of Joe Biden are suffering from election anxiety, regarding the possibility that Biden might lose, in spite of numerous polls that show Biden with a significant lead. They are dealing with the stress by engaging in a wide variety of irrational coping behaviors. One typical voter, Joe Topalosky of Pittsdale, PA, explains:

election anxiety
One voter made a countdown calendar to cope with election anxiety.

“I live in a swing state and it’s driving me crazy. I have had calls from all my friends from across the country asking me if I have voted. Of course I have, I sent in my ballot two weeks ago. Now I spend almost all my waking hours checking the polls, reading the news, watching CNN, and responding to Facebook trolls. I even went out and got some rosary beads, and I’m not even Catholic.”

Myrna Plotz, of New Yonkers, NY, has another perspective:

“I don’t live in a swing state, and it’s driving me crazy. Sure, I’m voting for Biden, but I know my vote doesn’t really matter. I look at the polls and see that Biden supposedly has about an 85 percent chance of winning. What the heck is wrong with us that a fool like Trump has a 15 percent chance of winning? That’s like rolling a die and having it come up six. That could easily happen. I spend most of my time checking the news, baking cookies, and stress eating. I stamp a letter B into all the cookies in the hopes that it creates good karma for Biden. I know it’s nuts, but it gives me a sense of being in control.”

Herman Dobbins, of Tallawacky, FL, went to the extreme of making himself a calendar similar to an advent calendar, only it concludes on election day. (see photo above) Each of the 25 small doors on the calendar is illustrated with drawings of various failures and bad actors of the Trump administration. Dobbins explains, “Every day I open one of the doors and get a treat. No matter how bad the news is, at least I have something to look forward to. The last door, for November 3, has a drawing of Trump. I stocked it with several liquor filled chocolates. I have a feeling I’m going to need them.”

Other Biden voters are coping with their anxieties by purchasing voodoo dolls of Trump, carving pumpkins in the likeness of Trump and then dropping them off of rooftops, and joining ritualistic drumming circles with the goal of “drumming Trump out of office.”

Trump supporters, on the other hand, are supremely confident, in spite of Trump’s standing in the polls. Political scientist Molly Bolt of the University of Califlorida explains, “Trump supporters don’t believe in normal sources of information such as professional pollsters and mainstream media. They believe whatever Fox News, Trump, and similar dubious sources tell them. Frankly, with voter suppression and a justice system that is being manipulated by Trump, there is some basis for the belief that Trump may eke out a win in spite of what the polls say. And that just adds to the anxiety of the other side.”

Calvin Hobson of Fogville, MN, summarizes that anxiety. “I believe that Trump worked some kind of mojo on Hillary Clinton in 2016. Could he do it again? You bet he could. Does anyone know where I could find a good witch doctor?”

Dennis Wobber