Ripping the Headlines Today, 11/2/20

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Borat (Sacha Baron Cohen) and Giulianni.

Rudy Giulianni caught with ’15-year-old girl’ Borat actress in a hotel room

Sounds like If Rudy gets COVIC-19 it’ll be because it looked like it was COVID-15, but said it was COVID-21!

Dodgers win World Series

Makes sense, if anyone’s ready to play in front of empty seats after the 7th inning, it’s the Dodgers. Well done!

Donald Trump: Biden better take COVID-19 more seriously or he might get it and infect a bunch of people

Trump does more projecting than an AMC multiplex…

Man stunned by ‘very rare’ two-headed shark: ‘We have never seen anything like this before’

While in Hollywood you can’t go two blocks without seeing a two-faced shark…

RIP Sean Connery

No word if at the end he was shaken and didn’t stir.

Lesley Stahl gets security detail after receiving death threat following interview with Trump

… and, likewise, for Diane Sawyer in the event they’re actually the same person.

Mike Pence’s office says he has no plans to quarantine because as VP he is an essential worker

… making him the first one in American History

Only 12 people have walked on the moon and they all did so within three years

13 have moonwalked, if you count Michael Jackson.

Ivanka Trump declares she is ‘unapologetically’ ‘Pro-Life’ for the first time

That really should be ‘Pro 15 to Life’ when it comes to her plea deal.

Sen. Perdue pulls out of final Georgia Senate debate with Jon Ossoff

Professional tip: if your last name is Purdue don’t do something chicken.

Happy 40rh birthday Kim Kardashian

… and a happy 18th to those butt implants.

Miles Taylor, ex-Homeland Security official, says he wrote scathing anti-Trump op-ed and book under pen name ‘Anonymous’

If nobody’s ever heard of an ‘Anonymous’ source, is he still anonymous even after he reveals his own identity?

Noah Cyrus wore a naked bodysuit at the CMT awards last night

Damn, a whole family you wouldn’t recognize if they had clothes on.

Hundreds of Trump supporters waited hours in the cold for buses after an Omaha rally

… lucky them, usually Trump throws his supporters under the bus…

Paul Lander
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