[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Trump Offers Own Take on American History in New Book

Promises new textbook on American history will be “Greatest Ever”

This reporter has secured an outline of some of the points that President Trump is going to cover in the textbook of American history he is writing. He is planning to issue an Executive Order making its use mandatory in schools across the nation.

Trump rewrites American History
Trump penning new tome on American history, sure to be the “greatest ever.”

Emma Lazarus wrote the inscription for the Statue of Liberty right after Christ rose her from the dead.

Samuel Morse sent the first message on the internet.

Eli Whitney invented the first cocktail; it was called the cotton gin.

Harriet Tubman drove the first subway train.

Walt Whitman wrote “Leaves of Grass” as part of a campaign to legalize marijuana.

Abraham Lincoln was so thin because of the Emaciation Proclamation.

The colonists bought the island of Manhattan from the Indians for some costume jewelry. The trade was called the Manhattan Project.

Douglas Mac Arthur said he would return to the Philippines, because he had a round trip ticket.

Cotton was the main crop in the South. It was used to make sheets.

In the Gettysburg Address, Lincoln said the Civil War had a score of 4 to 7.

The Suffragettes invented the Lamaze method to reduce suffering during childbirth.

Lewis and Clark were a comedy team who invented the first chocolate bar.

Secretary of State William Seward invented the icebox while ice fishing in Alaska.

The Pillsbury Doughboy was the mascot for the American troops during World War I.

The Monroe Doctrine was the contract Marilyn Monroe signed with 20th Century Fox.

Charlie Mc Carthy was a puppet who hated Communists.

Ronald Reagan‘s Trickle Down Theory helped invent disposable diapers.

The Boston Massacre was the beginning of an 86 year loss by the Boston Red Sox following their sale of Babe Ruth to the New York Yankees in 1918.

The Cold War was fought by George Washington and his troops at Valley Forge.

In 1620, the Pilgrims established the Chrysler Foundation on Plymouth Rock.

In 1947, the precedent for the imprisonment of illegal aliens was set in Roswell, New Mexico.

In 2016, Donald Trump, the most popular President in American History, was elected by an overwhelming majority of the American people.

Diane de Anda