The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews National Security Advisor John Bolton

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews National Security Advisor John Bolton.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guest is National Security Advisor John Bolton.

john bolton donkeyhotey
John Bolton, image by DonkeyHotey, flickr.com.

JERRY

Good morning, Mr. Bolton.

JOHN BOLTON

Good morning.

JERRY

I always wanted to know. Is that a mustache or have your eyebrows come down for a drink?

BOLTON

It’s a mustache. But be careful, if I sneeze it changes lips.

JERRY

You’re 72 years old and have a resume a mile long. You were the US Ambassador to the UN for 1 year. Even though you hate the UN.

BOLTON

The UN is not a friend of the United States. Most of the members are a bunch of dead beats and losers. Duncan, we pay 22% of the budget.

JERRY

Isn’t it worth the price of peace?

BOLTON

You don’t understand. We need the money to bomb Iran, Syria, Libya, Venezuela, Cuba, Yemen, North Korea…

JERRY

Russia?

BOLTON

Russia, China. I have a very ambitious plan. These countries are bad actors on the world stage. Take for instance the Supreme Leader of Iran Ali Khamenei. The last time he smiled was when his own family passed away.

JERRY

But if we bomb Iran, they could do enormous damage to the global economy by mining the Strait of Hormuz and cutoff 40 percent of the crude oil trade internationally. How about Iraq?

BOLTON

I was just in Iraq.

JERRY

How did you get out?

BOLTON

Iran.

JERRY

You’re a graduate of Harvard law school. What’s the difference if you go to another law school?

BOLTON

A lawyer from another school can let a case drag out for several years. A Harvard lawyer can make it last even longer.

JERRY

Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas was in your law school class. Do you know why Washington, D.C. has the most lawyers and New Jersey the most toxic waste?

BOLTON

No clue.

JERRY

New Jersey had first pick.

BOLTON

Makes sense.

JERRY

Here’s a few troubling things from your past. You avoided service in Vietnam because you had “no desire to die in a Southeast Asia rice paddy.”

BOLTON

A completely bogus story. I served my country honorably in the National Guard. My battalion fought mosquitoes in the swamps down in Louisiana. Got a purple heart.

JERRY

For bravery?

BOLTON

No. The little son of a bitch bit me in an artery. The ole ticker stopped.

JERRY

In 2002, you sabotaged Secretary of State Colin Powell while he was negotiating a plan for North Korea to abandon their nuclear weapons program.

BOLTON

True. I’ve dedicated my entire life to sabotaging peace. I’m hoping Trump will award me the Presidential Medal of Freedom.

JERRY

No. That’s going to Paul Manafort.

BOLTON

Bummer. Speaking of Manafort.

BOLTON

Knock, knock.

JERRY

Who’s there?

BOLTON

Kermit.

JERRY

Kermit who?

BOLTON

Kermit a crime and you get locked up.

JERRY

I never knew you had a sense of humor.

BOLTON

If you see me smiling, it’s because I’m thinking of doing something bad. If you see me laughing, it’s because I already did.

JERRY

See you tomorrow everyone.

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Dean Kaner

Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis.