In this Humor Times exclusive, we present the initial draft of Trump’s “Salute to America” speech.
In President Trump’s July 4th “Salute to America” speech, he said that the Continental army, which was created in June 1775, “suffered under a bitter winter of Valley Forge, found glory across the waters of the Delaware and seized victory from Cornwallis of Yorktown.” Trump also said that “our army manned the air, it rammed the ramparts, it took over the airports, it did everything it had to do and at Fort McHenry (which was actually during the War of 1812) under the rocket’s red glare it had nothing but victory.”
As historically inaccurate as this statement sounds, it could have been worse. Here is part of the initial draft that I received from the newly created Ministry of Truth:
The American Revolution, which nobody knows more about than me, started because wacky King George III kept taxing everything. He taxed tea, paper, glass, lead, paint and stamps. This was intolerable and led the Colonists to resist. I think the crazy king was a Democrat. Then on a bright cold day in April as the clocks struck 13, the British attacked our Minutemen at Lexington and Concord, an event that started the American Revolution. Paul Revere had tried to warn the Colonists but he was captured. I prefer heroes that weren’t captured.
In June 1775, we Americans created the Continental army so that we could break away from the failing British Empire. The war did not initially go well for our patriotic forefathers. Even though America and England were separated by water — big water, ocean water — the British were still able to send over a bigly army. They surprised us by attacking Pearl Harbor and the Alamo. I remember. Then in 1777 General Washington marched his small army to Valley Forge. It was a painful march as many of his men were suffering from bone spurs following the Bataan Death March. While at Valley Forge, the soldiers had to endure a bitter winter as global warming hadn’t begun yet.
The British were also winning on the high seas having sunk the American frigates Titanic and Lusitania.
The Patriots had not yet begun to fight but when they did, they fought back with fire and fury winning a stunning victory at Bunker Hill. In that battle the Redcoats, who were as thick as hasty pudding, charged up the hill but the Continental soldiers just started shooting them. They didn’t even wait. And if you’re a Minuteman they let you do it. You can do anything. Grab them. Shoot them. Whatever.
The Continental army won other battles at Normandy and San Juan Hill before taking over the airports. Capturing the airports, it turns out, wasn’t strategically very important as airplanes wouldn’t be invented for another 125 years. But controlling the airfields did give Ben Franklin a place to fly his kites unimpeded by those nasty Redcoats. Actually, it was at an airport that Dr. Franklin discovered electricity and where he learned that flying a kite during a thunderstorm is a bad, bad idea.
Of course, as all American school children know, the Continental army eventually won the war when General Washington and General Grant surrounded the stone cold loser Cornwallis. General Cornwallis later surrendered to the Americans at Appomattox Court House before the patriots got tired of winning.
So today, on the Fourth of July, it is altogether right and just that we salute the great heroes of the American Revolution including George Washington, Patrick Henry, Johnny Tremain, Yankee Doodle Dandy, Captain Goodwin and Benedict Arnold to name just a few. By the way, in the case of General Arnold, there was no collusion. A lot of people say that was just fake news.
At the same time, let us not forget the courageous women who supported the Continental troops such as First Lady Dolly Parton who saved the famous portrait of George Washington just before the Canadians burned the White House. Another female hero was Betsy DeVos who sewed the first American flag which Nike refused to include on our soldier’s footwear.
By the way, today I have great respect for the British. I have many British friends. They live in my buildings all over the place.
So there you have it. Trump’s Salute to America was full of historical errors but it could have been worse… far worse.