[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Trump Ends All Abortion Restrictions, Cites National Emergency

Trump tweets an immediate end to abortion restrictions, sparking a furious backlash from right-to-life groups.

In a surprise tweet released at 4 am this morning, President Trump announced an immediate end to all abortion restrictions, including controversial late-term abortions.

President Trump tweeting end to abortion restrictions
Artist’s depiction of President Trump tweeting an end to abortion restrictions.

“Our country is full,” he declared in the tweet, “so I must take drastic action to stop further population growth by declaring a national emergency, which gives me the power to rescind ALL laws against abortion. This will be so GOOD for our country. No more overcrowding!!!”

Less than a half hour later, the President went further in a second tweet, encouraging women less than 24 weeks pregnant to get an abortion asap. “If you want an abortion but can’t afford one,” his tweet read, “don’t worry. Just send me the bill and I’ll instruct the IRS to deduct it from your taxes. If your last name is Gomez or Sanchez, you’ll get a double refund.”

This pronouncement sparked a furious backlash from right-to-life groups, such as the Family Research Council, which issued a press release decrying the President’s decision.

“This goes against everything President Trump promised us on the campaign trail,” FRC spokesperson Tony Perkins stated. “We implore him to reconsider this rash action, and instead put us back on the track to achieve full fetal citizenship rights from the moment a slithering sperm bumps up against a fertile egg … if not sooner!”

Planned Parenthood was, not unexpectedly, elated to hear the news, declaring that they will immediately begin a major expansion of abortion clinics in all fifty states, as well as in Puerto Rico, which has not yet rebuilt the one facility destroyed by Hurricane Maria.

The panel at Trump’s favorite news show Fox and Friends were very receptive to the lifting of abortion laws calling it the most incredibly important policy initiative since Trump ended regulations on mercury emissions by coal-fired power plants. Picking up on the theme of the U.S. being full, they went on to suggest other strategies that could be implemented to support Trump’s goals, including: requiring all girls to have an IUD implanted within 30 days of their 13th birthday; not allowing international planes to land in the U.S. unless simultaneously a plane of equal capacity takes off for a foreign destination; revoking all H-1B visas (exempting Trump properties, of course); and restricting the number of Latino MLB players to no more than two per team.

Democrats have been silent since the announcement, torn between opposing anything Trump proposes, and taking bows for achieving a major policy goal. Nancy Pelosi has promised a formal response just as soon as she finishes figuring out how she can have her cake and eat it too.

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Rick Blum

Rick Blum

Rick Blum has been writing humorous prose and poetry for more than 25 years during stints as a nightclub owner, high-tech manager, market research mogul and, most recently, alter kaker. Currently, he is holed up in his Massachusetts office trying to pen the perfect bio, which he plans to share as soon as he stops laughing at the sheer futility of this effort.