This July 4th: All Hail Il Douché

Fear not, citizens, those tanks are just part of President Trump’s brand new, fabulous July 4th celebration!

As military tanks are secretly transported into Washington, locals can be forgiven if they fear a military coup or worse. But fear not, Washingtonians; those tanks are just part of President Trump’s brand new, fabulous July 4th celebration.

July 4th
Tanks, but no tanks.

Thanks to his worldwide travels, the Trumpster has apparently taken a liking to big, bold parades replete with soldiers, military hardware and jet flyovers. His pals Kim Jong Un, Vladimir Putin and Xi Jinping delight in such displays and it looks like the President doesn’t want to be outdone.

None of this should be in any way surprising. After all, Donald Trump is already the most autocratic wannabe in American history. When convenient, he dismisses judicial and legislative powers, denigrates the media and purports to rule by fiat.

The fact that Trump cozies up to other autocrats and demeans the democratically-elected leaders of our former allies is just more evidence that he’s bucking for a new title, be it King Donald I, Emperor Trump or America’s Supreme Leader. Nothing would please Trump more than overturning traditional July 4th ceremonies and replacing them with a super-nationalist display of pomp, pageantry and military might.

If there were any doubts about Donald Trump’s psychological makeup and aspirations, this July 4th extravaganza has erased them all. Hair Hitler wants to be adored by all and to have his every order and direction implemented without question. Tradition be damned; it’s time for all Americans to bow down and recognize the all powerful Trump.

Don’t be surprised if the Heelspur-who-would-be-King decides to don the garments of a military dictator. The man who avoided the draft in the Vietnam era by dubious means would like nothing better than to wear a military costume covered in garish accoutrements such as stripes, fake medals and golden shoulder epaulets.

Picture the Donald resplendent in pseudo-military regalia on a reviewing stand saluting tanks, weapons, soldiers and military jets. Wearing a military service cap with full scrambled eggs, Trump would bathe in the adoration of his thousands of redshirted followers. All hail Il Douché!

As christened by Kellyanne Conway, the Commander-in-Cheese refuses to do things the traditional way. He has no desire to continue the history of low-key, nonpartisan July 4th celebrations. Instead he is committed to performing all things cheesy.

It was thought that even Donald Trump had limits when it came to undemocratic chintz. Sure he ridiculed his opponents and the press, profited from government business and clear conflicts of interest, hired his family members, refused to divest himself of his financial holdings, refused to produce his income taxes and committed adultery, even paying to have the details squelched.

Surely the Orange One would not go so far as to belittle his own country by pretending to be its new dictator. Surely that would be a bridge too far or at least a costume too far.

But be forewarned. As with everything political in America during the last two-and-a-half years, don’t expect the usual.

The President doesn’t just have a bully pulpit; he now is a full-fledged Bully-in-Chief and he knows no limit or shame in satisfying his outsized ego and need to be praised and adored.

So don’t look for a normal July 4th or a normal July 5th or 6th for that matter. Donald Trump will do it his way whether you like it or not. To borrow a phrase from Edwardian England, just lie back and think of America.

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David Martin
David is a writer of political satire and short humor and his work has appeared in most major North American newspapers, including the New York Times, the Washington Post and the Chicago Tribune. He has also been published in various magazines including Newsweek, Smithsonian Magazine and Funny Times.
David Martin

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