[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

New Rule: RNC Debaters May Be Slimed

In order to boost debate ratings, the RNC is adding a risk factor: participants may be slimed.

The Republican National Committee, which sponsors this year’s Republican primary debates, is dismayed that viewer ratings for the first two were well below those for the 2016 presidential race, which featured outlandish performances by then political novice Donald Trump, who has refused to participate this year. In order to boost ratings, the RNC is adding a risk factor: participants may be slimed.

Ron DeSantis slimed
The RNC is banking that viewers would pay to see this. Original photo by Gage Skidmore, altered. (Can you guess how?) CC BY-SA 2.0.

RNC chairwoman Ronna McDaniel has announced following rule changes for the next debate:

The question-and-answer format will be discarded. Instead, a declarative statement about the wonderfulness of a Donald Trump position/action/rant will be read by the moderator, after which each participant will be given 30 seconds to either agree or disagree with it, and to state their reasons why.

At exactly the 30-second mark, a giant gong will be struck with a mallet. If the participant continues to speak beyond that, a shower of slime will be poured on their head until they stop.

In addition to reading Trump statements, there will be multiple pop quizzes, requiring participants to raise their hand within three seconds to show agreement. Anyone who does not raise their hand within the three seconds will be considered to be in disagreement. If a participant partially raises their hand, i.e., not at least 6 inches above their shoulder nor firmly at their side, they will be slimed. All quiz questions will be about Donald Trump proposed policies for his next term as president.

Every 15 minutes, one participant will be voted off the stage by fellow debaters. If a clear loser is not indicated by the voting, there will be an immediate run-off vote by the viewing audience, which has 30 seconds to post the name of their preferred loser on Truth Social (but not X). The participant receiving the most thumbs-down must leave the stage within three seconds or be slimed.

When the debate has been whittled down to one final participant, the moderator will read a compendium of every insult and derogatory blast that Donald Trump has hurled at them over the last year. They will then be given 30 seconds to respond … before being slimed.

Ms. McDaniel has expressed unguarded optimism that these new rules will turn the debate into a must-see event. If not, she has promised to resign as RNC chairwoman and take a new job hawking MAGA tchotchkes at Trump rallies. She also promised to slime herself, just for good measure.

Rick Blum