‘Who is this nasty editor, Jammin’ James Israel?’ the nominee demands, ‘and why does he play the guitar?’
LAS VEGAS — Following Wednesday night’s disastrous debate performance, Donald Trump today blamed the “elitist, Clinton-loving Humor Times” for his defeat.
“I can’t believe some of the stuff I read about myself in that nasty slut of a rag,” he said. “It’s full of lies, they even say so right up front! Foe News! The columnists are totally rigged against me!”
Trump singled out the current issue, which, he said, “contains no fewer than five lyin’ stories about me outa six. And that’s just the front page.”
The Fuming Fuhrer brandished his little fist.
“Here’s one,” he said, “with so-called suggested new slogans for my so-called election campaign. They’re from some sex-crazed commie loser called Roger Fried or Freed. Listen to this:
“Whereas Reagan was nicknamed The Gipper, Donald will be nicknamed The Groper.”
“That’s disgusting,” said the next president of Trump TV. “Because of course I will be known forever as ‘The Grabber.’ Believe me.”
Trump went on to say that another offensive Humor Times article was by “someone called P. Beckert who seems strangely preoccupied,” he sniffed, “with oral sex.”
“No one respects bimbos more than I do, believe me,” Trump noted. “The only gagging that’s going on is them, because of my yuuge yuugeness. I mean there’s no problem down there, believe me.”
Trump pulled out a sheet of paper and began waving it over his head.
“I have here a list,” he shouted “of no less than 67 or maybe three or 15 dishonest and crooked writers who regularly publish in the Yuma Times, including nasty people like Will Durst, Paul Lander, Gary Chew, Jim Hightower, Diane de Anda, Ben Krull and Howard Zaharoff!
“Also in the October issue there’s a disgusting piece on those wimps in Flint by someone called Jammin’ Jimmy Israel, what kinda cosmopolitan, international-banker name is that? You know what I’m talking about.”
Trump’s fading toupee lifted slightly in the breeze. “And then that Freed or Fried guy also reports about my plans to set up an American gulag. How’d he find out about that, huh?
“What’s even worse, he doesn’t report that it will be the best gulag, very classy, and Putin’s gonna pay for it. Not that I know him, but we get along. Bill and Hillary are gonna love it, they’re going to be the first tenants, believe me.”
Trump noted that in his honest and unqualified opinion there was only one professional, decent, upstanding, good-looking and certainly underpaid journalist on what he called “the very Un-Humorous Times.” And that is “my hero, Michael Egan.”
“You should read his brilliant, sobering report about Muhammad Ali outa Stockholm,” Trump added. “This is Nobel Prize winning journalism, or at least deserving of being stolen by The Drudge Report.”
“I’m gonna leave you all in suspense,” he said.