Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Texas Governor Greg Abbott.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guest is Trumpster and Governor of Texas Greg Abbott.
JERRY DUNCAN
Good morning, Governor.
GOVERNOR GREG ABBOTT
I’m the meanest, toughest hombre that’s ever crossed the Rio Grande. Don’t insult my president, Duncan. Only I can call him a narcissistic asshole.
JERRY
You are a Trump supporter. Even campaigned for him.
GREG
And I’ll do it again. In fact, I’m going door to door to reach school dropouts. We Trumpsters promise to give them Walmart greeter jobs.
JERRY
I respect your right to be stupid. But I can’t believe you outlawed COVID-19 masks and vaccine mandates during the pandemic. Which brings me to the question.
JERRY
What does a dropout and an unvaccinated child have in common?
GREG
How would I know?
JERRY
They never get past the fourth grade.
GREG
I wish I was in your studio, because I have a chain saw in my hand.
JERRY
A chain saw?
(Sound of a chain saw) Brum-brum-brum-brum-brrrrrrrrrr.
GREG
Yep, named it Mr. Nasty. Ever since a tree fell on me and I was paralyzed, I take revenge on trees. Look out Yosemite National Park. Headed your way next month.
JERRY
I bet chain saws are expensive.
GREG
Nah. They’re affordable.
JERRY
Well, at least it didn’t cost you an arm and a leg. Hey, this is nuts. You grew up in a Texas town called Duncanville. It was founded by my great, great grandfather Boots Duncan.
GREG
(laughs) Ole Boots was a womanizer. The locals drove him out of town after he was caught with the mayor’s wife in a barn.
JERRY
Leave it to a Duncan. No wonder people say I’m nuts.
JERRY
Speaking of nuts. Here’s some things about your angry self.
GREG
That’s not fair. I’m happy when I saw down trees.
JERRY
You’re against abortion. Signed a 6-week ban called the Texas Heartbeat Act.
GREG
Liberals in Texas will never de-fetus.
JERRY
Since 2022, you’ve sent busloads of migrants to Washington, D.C. and other cities. Even dumped them at the residence of Vice President Kamala Harris.
GREG
If I lived here, I’d want to move out, too. (catches himself) Oops.
JERRY
Don’t believe in conservation.
GREG
Drill baby drill. I like blowing up things.
JERRY
Won’t agree to restrictions on guns.
GREG
Are you kidding? My gun saved my life today. It misfired.
JERRY
Here’s a good one. In 2021, left 4 million households in Texas without power during an ice storm.
GREG
Frankly, I found it amusing. Texans are always complaining of excessive heat. It was so cold, bankers were running around town with their hands in their own pockets.
JERRY
Is there anything you want to say to the listeners?
GREG
Even in my wheelchair, I can kick as good as any Dallas Cowboys kicker.
JERRY
Governor Greg Abbott everyone. See you tomorrow.
The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner
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