How to Tell If You’ve Lost the Election

Clues to help one determine if they’ve lost the election.

How Trump lost the election, tease
A map Trump might see when he wakes up to find he lost the election.

Few incumbents experience losing a presidential election so here are some clues for the current incumbent to help him determine if he has, in fact, lost the election:

  • Your opponent wins more Electoral College votes than you.
  • No one attends your rallies anymore.
  • Melania packs up her red Christmas trees and moves back to Manhattan.
  • Mitch McConnell won’t return your calls.
  • A moving van shows up at the White House mid-January.
  • People keep calling Joe Biden president-elect.
  • Mike Pence has already moved back to Ohio.
  • You can’t find a friend at “Fox & Friends.”
  • Vladimir Putin no longer returns your calls.
  • The Joint Chiefs of Staff gently remind you to move out by January 20th.
  • Criminal subpoenas start showing up in your mailbox.
  • The vacancy rate at your Washington hotel triples overnight.
  • You keep getting visits from burly Russians reminding you of outstanding personal loans.
  • Mark Meadows sends you a list of foreign countries with no U. S. extradition treaties.
  • Amy Coney Barrett won’t return your calls.
  • The fake news keeps calling you a lame duck.
  • Your reservation requests for Air Force One for February and March are all denied.
  • Ivanka and Jared have discreetly made employment requests of the Biden Administration.
  • Eric and Don, Jr. deny your paternity.
  • NBC ignores your TV show proposals including “My Second Term”, “Lincoln II” and “The Greatest President Ever.”
  • ABC offers hosting gig for a revamped version of “The Biggest Loser.”
  • Evangelicals deny ever supporting you.
  • Facebook requests that you cancel your account.
  • Your only followers on Twitter are the KKK and the Proud Boys.
  • TikTok asks if they can post ten-second clips of your dance moves.
  • Kayleigh McEnany keeps asking you for a concession speech.
  • Kellyanne Conway won’t return your calls.
  • The only people now asking for your tax returns are district attorneys.
  • The makers of your orange self-tanner no longer provide free samples.
  • Propecia now charging for your hair medication.
  • The Supreme Court says it won’t be hearing any election challenges this year.
  • Franklin Graham no longer calls to pray.
  • Lindsey Graham stops asking to play golf with you.
  • The Justice Department ignores your request for personal legal representation.
  • Publishers turn down your proposed book “The Art of the Electoral Steal.”
  • Publishers line up to bid on tell-alls from Ivana, Tiffany, Mike Pence and your chauffeur.
  • Melania reminds you that the spousal testimonial privilege is hers and she can testify against you if she wants.
  • Melania keeps demanding to renegotiate her prenup.
  • Bill Barr sends you a copy of Title 18 with the Fifth Amendment sections highlighted in yellow.
  • Even Rudy Giuliani won’t return your calls. 
David Martin
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