[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

God Denies Being Hurt by Joe Biden

God denied being hurt by Joe Biden on Sean Hannity’s show recently, but evidence suggests otherwise.

In a rare interview, God appeared on Sean Hannity’s show on Fox and vehemently denied being hurt by Joe Biden, as President Trump had suggested in a rally-style speech on an airport tarmac recently. God also denied that Biden hurt the Bible, but Hannity raised some doubts about God’s story. God also happens to be a woman. A partial transcript of this remarkable interview follows:

God denied being hurt by Joe Biden
Sean Hannity was surprised to learn that God is an African woman.

Hannity: Today I have a guest who claims to be God. Welcome to my show.

God: Thank you.

Hannity: First of all, I have to say, you are about nine feet tall, a woman, and may I say a very striking looking African-American…

God: Correction, I am African.

Hannity: Okay, so not even a U.S. citizen. So why should we believe you are God? You don’t look anything like what I expect.

God: If you’re talking about my portrait in the Sistine Chapel and similar paintings, those are wildly off base. You have to realize that I created humanity in my image about 300,000 years ago in Africa. Then you wandered all over the world and changed like crazy. I am very disappointed.

Hannity: I see. Is there any proof that you are actually God?

God: Certainly. Here is my identity card, valid anywhere in the universe. (A glowing blue card materializes in front of “God” and floats over to Hannity.)

Hannity: Well, it certainly looks authentic. It says “title: God, aka Yahweh, Allah, Vishnu, Jehovah, etc.” And it is signed, “Carolyn”. What’s this about Carolyn?

God: Those other names are just my job titles. My actual name is Carolyn. But my friends call me Carol.

Hannity: Fair enough, Carol, I’m honored.

Carolyn/God: Call me Carolyn. (The identity card, which had been floating in front of Hannity, suddenly vanishes.}

Hannity: Um, Okay, Carolyn, so what made you decide to come onto my show?

Carolyn: Well it certainly wasn’t your charm, but I had no choice. You see, I had heard that your president had been saying that Joe Biden had hurt me and the bible, and that if he got elected I would not exist. And I thought I should pay a visit to this Biden character and teach him a lesson. So tracked him down and figured I would cuff him around a bit. You know, give him a smiting.

Hannity: You, the almighty, got into a fight with a 77 year old man? Was that fair?

Carolyn: You forget, I am at least 13.8 billion years old. And I let him take the first swing.

Hannity: You don’t look a day over 10 billion, if I may say so.

Carolyn: Don’t try to flatter me. You still can’t call me Carol.

Hannity: Alright, Carolyn then. I notice you are wearing aviator sunglasses much like Joe Biden’s.

Carolyn: (removing glasses) Yes, I really like the look, so I created a pair for myself.

Hannity: You have a nasty looking cut under your left eye. Did Biden do that?

Carolyn: Oh yes, he did. He has a very sneaky right hook. But I want to emphasize it did not hurt a bit. I forgot to heal it. (Carolyn snaps her fingers and the cut disappears) So after that little dust-up we got to talking and I realized that Biden had no plans to get rid of me, and he never hurt the bible. We went out for a couple of beers, and Biden gave me a rundown on what’s been going on here. With all the trouble in the Andromeda galaxy, I’ve been pretty distracted lately. Anyway it turns out that the one who hurt the bible was none other than your president, Donald Trump. He used force on a bunch of protesters, then walked out in front of a church and held up a bible as if he planned to use it as a flyswatter. He didn’t open it to read from its wisdom, didn’t even say anything. He just scowled. Let me tell you, that bible’s feelings were really hurt.

Hannity: So did you talk to President Trump?

Carolyn: I tried to. I went to the White House and looked through his bedroom window where he was sitting in bed with his eyes glued to the TV, watching your show. I knocked on the window, but he didn’t move. I figured that the only way I could get his attention would be to appear in front of him as a bucket of fried chicken, but I have my pride. I just couldn’t do it. So that’s why I’m on your show.

Hannity: I see. Mr. President, you heard it here.

Carolyn: (Turning to the camera) Right. President Trump, Biden didn’t hurt the bible, you did. And I’m going to be around for long after you are gone.

Hannity: Now that you have cleared that up, can we be friends?

Carolyn: You have done a lot of mischief in your life. I don’t think so.

Hannity: I am very wealthy. Perhaps I could donate to worthy causes, make amends?

Carolyn: Have you heard the one about how the wealthy have less chance of entering my kingdom than that of a camel passing through the eye of a needle?

Hannity: Perhaps if we cut the camel up into really tiny pieces…

Carolyn: You really don’t get proverbs, do you?

Hannity: So you’re saying I won’t be hanging out with you in the afterlife?

Carolyn: Let’s just say, when your time comes, pack very lightly. Several pairs of underwear is about all you will need. And give my greetings to my nephew, the devil, Lucifer, aka Satan, Mephistopheles, Beelzebub, etc. Those are his job titles. His name is Henry. But you can call him Hank.

Hannity: (sweating profusely) Could I take another look at that identity card?

Dennis Wobber