WHITE PLAINS, NY — The news this week, that Rupert Murdoch is not fit to run News Corp as Chairman and CEO, has hit Murdoch pretty hard according to close friends and business acquaintances. Not one to let any moss grow under his feet, however, Murdoch has already made a major decision on the heels of this latest criticism of his mental stability.
“Ok, so they think I’m not fit, huh?” said the veteran newsman from his suite at the Sun Acres Sanitarium in White Plains, NY. “Well, I’ll show them who’s boss,” he smiled broadly as his round-the-clock quality living assistant mopped a bit of drool from the corner of his mouth.
“I’ve decided to go back to my roots. Write the simple stuff only a simpleton can write. Why, just the other day, three of our residents went missing for a bit. Alzheimer’s or some other type of memory problem…I thought to myself—actually, asked myself as I’m wont to do lately due to the voices in my head urging me to converse more—‘Who the hell needs to read about a missing person story?’ Hell, in this place, you can practically set your watch by someone going missing every damned hour. News? Not likely,” snarled the uncommonly lucid media magnate.
He continued his tirade. “Now you give the masses a missing persons story involving three separate missing persons gone missing all at once, and throw in an alien spacecraft to jazz up the story a bit and that, my friends, is NEWS,” he said gleefully as the nurses came in to check his sheets.
Murdoch says he had an epiphany. “I’ll never be able to escape the news and will probably be writing my own obituary, but if I play my cards right, I can escape prosecution.”
Murdoch figures that by using his time to publish a little rag in this Podunk corner of the world until the heat subsides, it might just convince everyone he must be nuts.
“Besides,” he said, “sure beats the hell out of crocheting lap blankets.”