Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews singer, dancer and actress Jennifer Lopez.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? Yes, indeed. Today I’m interviewing singer, dancer and actress Jennifer Lopez.
JERRY
Good morning, Jello.
JENNIFER LOPEZ
It’s J.Lo. Where have you been under a rock?
JERRY
As a matter of fact, I have. Are Peter and Gordon still hot?
LOPEZ
Who? How J. Lo can you go, Duncan?
JERRY
(sarcastic) That’s funny. But let’s talk about your beginning. You started as a dancer in 1991 on In Living Color and became a regular until 1993. Then in 1997, you rose to stardom in the movie Selena.
LOPEZ
I made over a million bucks. Worked my ass off.
JERRY
Well, not quite. The U.S. Navy is considering launching air strikes in the Persian Gulf from your booty according to the Pentagon.
LOPEZ
Why not? I’ll get paid $11 million from Uncle Sam.
JERRY
Hey, J. Lo. What’s red, white, black and blue?
LOPEZ
No clue.
JERRY
Uncle Sam falling down the stairs.
LOPEZ
Don’t disrespect my intelligence. I’m the 38th most powerful woman in the world. Not bad for a poor girl from the Bronx.
JERRY
What a coincidence. I read online that a subway broke down in the Bronx today. They say the problem was under the hood.
LOPEZ
Estas loca! You are nuts! That’s why you got nada and I’m worth millions.
JERRY
But you don’t have Ben Affleck, who you dated for two years. And no Marc Anthony, who you were married to for three years. And two other husbands you were married to before Affleck.
LOPEZ
Yeah. You know your marriage is over when you fall asleep on the couch and wake up on the couch.
JERRY
Your love life is in shambles.
LOPEZ
Not a chance. I’m dating Yankee slugger Alex Rodriguez. A-Rod! He hit 696 home runs.
JERRY
Batman hit more.
JERRY
You know A-Rod was suspended in 2013 for 211 games, because he took performance enhancing drugs.
LOPEZ
Next question.
JERRY
Hold on, Jello. Kim Kardashian is calling.
LOPEZ
Hey, she’s wasting my valuable time!
Jerry talks to Kim.
JERRY
What’s up?
KIM KARDASHIAN
I am announcing on your show that Kanye and I split. I don’t even know the man anymore. The last straw was when he dressed up like Caitlyn Jenner on Halloween. Kanye showed lots of balls.
JERRY
Sounds like he’s suffering from insanity.
KARDASHIAN
No. He’s enjoying every minute of it.
JERRY
Hold that thought, Kimster. I’m putting J. Lo on the line.
KARDASHIAN
J.Lo?
All three are on the call.
KARDASHIAN
Hey, Girl. I heard you dissed me on The Discovery Channel when they were talking about booties.
LOPEZ
Yes, I did. You’ve been making fun of my booty on your stupid TV show. What nerve! Your booty is so big that it has its own birth certificate. Even a legal name…Kanye. And Sis, I didn’t grow up privileged like you. There was no “Auntie Nicole and Uncle O.J.” For the record, Uncle O.J. murdered Auntie Nicole.
KARDASHIAN
No, he didn’t. Uncle O.J. is still searching every golf course that he plays on for the real killer.
LOPEZ
If the jerk looked in a mirror, it would save time. I hear you’re banned from beaches in California. Something about plastic ruining our ecosystem.
KARDASHIAN
It’s unfair. I’ve only had a facelift, boob job and butt implants.
LOPEZ
Just think. Your plastic surgeon’s office is the only place where no one got offended when you picked your nose.
JERRY
Ladies. I’m outta here. See you tomorrow.
The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner
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