Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Rocky and Bullwinkle.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? Yes, it is. Today on the show my guests are Rocket J. Squirrel and Bullwinkle J. Moose. Also known as Rocky and Bullwinkle.
JERRY
Good morning my cartoon friends.
ROCKY
Hi Mr. Duncan.
BULLWINKLE
I listen to your show all the time. You’re amoosing.
JERRY
Rocky. I’ve always wondered how you catch a squirrel.
ROCKY
Climb up a tree and pretend to be nuts. In your case, no need to pretend.
JERRY
Shut up, you wannabe hamster. You’re getting old and feeble.
ROCKY
I’m only 62.
BULLWINKLE
Age is a relative term. All my relatives keep reminding me how old I am.
JERRY
You fellas live in Minnesota. Right?
ROCKY
Yeah. Frostbite Falls. It’s so cold up here that you can eat soft serve ice cream directly from a cow’s udder.
JERRY
What do you do in your spare time?
BULLWINKLE
We’re magicians.
ROCKY
Well, I wouldn’t go that far.
BULLWINKLE
Hey Duncan! Watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat!
ROCKY
Not that trick again.
BULLWINKLE
(tears off a shirt sleeve) Nothing up my sleeve. Presto!
(reaches hand into hat and pulls out Donald Trump) No doubt about it, I gotta get another hat!
DONALD TRUMP
The moose is trying to rig a magic trick and we can’t let that happen.
JERRY
Make the Trumpster disappear.
Bullwinkle takes out a magic wand and taps Trump’s head.
BULLWINKLE
Poof. He’s gone!
ROCKY
While Bullwinkle was doing magic, I got a text message from the FBI.
BULLWINKLE
Are they looking for recruits?
ROCKY
No. Boris and Natasha escaped from a prison near Frostbite Falls. We need to be in witness protection.
BULLWINKLE
Duncan, they threatened to kill us after we testified against them for spying. Boris shouted, “Squirrel stew and Moose pie” before he was taken to prison.
JERRY
Wow. This is great for ratings! Better than the OJ Simpson Ford Bronco chase.
ROCKY
The FBI believes Putin is with them.
JERRY
Even better. Do you know the difference between Trump and Putin?
ROCKY
In Russia, the president assassinates you?
JERRY
No. Putin knows how to win a U.S. election.
ROCKY
This threat isn’t the worst thing that’s happened to me.
JERRY
Oh? Then what is?
ROCKY
When I was a kid, the boys teased me and said I was “squirrely.” But here’s the worst. The girls would chase me around the playground shouting, “Squirrel, squirrel, who’s got the nuts?” One day a girl named Elvira kicked my balls so hard I ended up singing soprano.
JERRY
No wonder you have a high pitch voice.
BULLWINKLE
I’ll protect Rocky. I will gouge Boris and Natasha with my antlers. Those two are so mean they can’t even get a Happy Meal at McDonald’s.
ROCKY
Thank you, Bullwinkle. You’re my best friend.
BULLWINKLE
And you’re mine. If you were a booger, I’d pick you first.
JERRY
See you tomorrow.
The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner
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