The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews President Donald Trump

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews President Donald Trump.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guest is President Donald Trump.

President Donald Trump, donkey hotey
Donald Trump, by Donkey Hotey, flickr.com.

PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP

The radical left is destroying our cities. Satan is on the loose.

JERRY

Trumpster. What do you call your presidency?

TRUMP

20,000 lies and counting?

JERRY

Nope. The Devil Knows Nada.

TRUMP

Duncan. I recently took a cognitive test. Have a good memory. I identified a snake, alligator, elephant…

JERRY

Let me stop you there. It wasn’t an elephant. It was an elephant’s trunk. The test results revealed you couldn’t differentiate between your penis and an elephant’s trunk.

TRUMP

Actually, I think like an elephant. I’m sure Dumbo is wondering how I breath through something so small. I’m a genius.

JERRY

You’re behind in every presidential poll taken in a match up with Joe Biden. Even Fox shows you down 9 points.

TRUMP

Poles can be wrong. For example, the Poles thought they were so smart when they installed screen doors on submarines to keep out fish. That didn’t work out so well.

JERRY

You and Biden are tied in Texas. A reliable red state.

TRUMP

So what. Do you know why ducks fly over Texas upside down? Because there’s nothing worth craping on. I’m a winner. Texas is the number one state with Coronavirus. Texans will remember when they vote in November.

JERRY

Do you still believe the Coronavirus will disappear?

TRUMP

Absolutely. This is a Democratic hoax. I said to a hot intern the other day. “If Coronvirus doesn’t take you out, can I”?

JERRY

C’mon. 4 million people have the disease. Testing may reveal as many as 40 million.

TRUMP

That’s science. I don’t believe in science. I said to my people, “Slow the testing down, please.” The reason we have so many people testing positive is to make me look bad. It’s fake news.

JERRY

When I look at you, you’re something I would draw with my left hand.

JERRY

Let’s talk about your deployment of Federal agents to quell protests in Portland. So far, the military tactics have been illegal. Unmarked cars, uniforms without names, excessive force, arresting protesters that have the right to peacefully assemble. The use of tear gas on innocent civilians.

TRUMP

I pulled the plan out of my ass. Attorney General Barr said it was a great idea. He doesn’t believe in the rule of law either.

JERRY

Barr is your judicial fixer. He’s a Hefty bag.

TRUMP

Sounds right. Big man, very big man. Bill said that if he chokes to death on Gummy Bears, just say he was killed by a bear and leave it at that.

JERRY

Americans are worried that you won’t accept the election results in November. Is that true?

TRUMP

I will if I win. A mail ballot is voter fraud. Illegals, prisoners, dead people and hamsters are on the voter rolls.

JERRY

This is unfounded based on evidence. The peaceful transfer of power is the core of American politics.

TRUMP

My friend Vladimir Putin said it doesn’t work. I even got a second opinion from Kim Jong-un. Why would they lie?

JERRY

If Kim is brain dead that would make two world leaders.

TRUMP

Are you talking about me?

JERRY

If you don’t want a sarcastic answer, then don’t ask a stupid question. Let me say something.

TRUMP

Sure.

JERRY

You gave billions of dollars of tax cuts to the rich in 2017. Yet, there are 30 million Americans out of work at no fault of their own broke or going broke. And you won’t give them enough unemployment insurance benefits to survive. It’s unconscionable.

TRUMP

Money isn’t everything. Health is 2%. Remember Duncan. When life gives you lemons, squeeze them in people’s eyes.

JERRY

Trumpster. Beauty may be skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone. You can take that to the White House. See you tomorrow.

Dean Kaner

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