Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news, even that about the Capitol attack, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:
Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
Melania Trump gave even less of a f–k about the Capitol attack than previously thought
In fairness, she already had a jacket that covered that.
FAA reports increase in unruly passenger incidents
Well, it is called the Delta variant.
Man says he was compelled by ‘righteous anger’ to confront a group of women on a beach because of their ‘pornographic’ bikinis
Ironically … ending any chance of him getting to know any of them biblically.
A genealogist says there’s evidence Joe Biden’s 19th century ancestors owned 3 slaves: report
C’mon, Joe was way too young at the time to do anything about it!
Soda served in bucket at KFC dubbed the ‘most American’ thing ever
… actually, second to Type 2 Diabetes …
Prince Charles has very specific rules for how he takes a cup of tea
While Prince Andrew only likes his T with a little A.
Parent attacks teacher after mask dispute on first day of school, official says
See what happens when two people wear the same mask to the same event.
Scott Baio campaigned for Larry Elder running to replace Gavin Newsom as California governor before Elder was routed in recall election
Well, If Elder’s ex ain’t lying about his weed intake, it was a pairing of ‘Happy Days’ and ‘In A Daze!’
New Texas law opens up abortion bounty hunting
Welp, looks like COVID has more reproductive rights in Texas than women.
Norm Macdonald, comedian and ‘Saturday Night Live’ star, dies at 61 from cancer
Cancer did what Lorne, SNL, Comedy Central, NBC couldn’t do. It shut Norm Macdonald up. F**k you, Cancer.
Aaron Rodgers says a painful ‘double nut shot’ caused his first interception of the season
… or, as Nicki Minaj calls it “the COVID Vaccine.”
‘I can no longer fight on’: Keyshawn Johnson joins USC fans blasting Clay Helton
Yup, a team called the Trojans should provide way more protection for its QB’s.
Event organizers said they expected to have over 10,000 people at the KY Fairgrounds for a rally with Michael Flynn, Mike Lindell and Pastor Greg Locke. Fewer than 300 showed up
So, they had a rally, and the Trump Inaugural showed up!
Goldman Sachs will require anyone who enters the bank’s U.S. offices, including clients, to be fully vaccinated
… Yeah, but what about being dewormed?! …