Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews the host of “The Tonight Show,” Jimmy Fallon.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY DUNCAN
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guest is the host of The Tonight Show, Jimmy Fallon.
JERRY
Good morning, Jimmy.
JIMMY FALLON
Good morning.
JERRY
Ever think about cutting off your bad ear and giving it to your wife as an anniversary gift?
JIMMY
What? I don’t have a bad ear. That was my finger that almost fell off when my wedding ring got caught in a rug at home. Where do you hear these things?
JERRY
The National Enquirer. You were drunk. Right, Jimmy? C’mon, confess. I need ratings.
JIMMY
A person has to have a warm heart and a cold beer. Next question.
JERRY
You’re 47 years old. Raised in a small town in New York. Is it true your parents were overprotective of you and your sister?
JIMMY
Yeah. They made us ride our bikes in the backyard. I never knew that you rode bicycles on the sidewalk until I got to college.
JERRY
Ever roller skate in your closet?
JIMMY
No.
JERRY
Ever try on your mom’s dress?
JIMMY
Ahh. Next question.
JERRY
You attended a Catholic school. Even considered being a priest.
JIMMY
That’s true until I confessed to the priest that I was going to convert to Judaism.
JERRY
How come you didn’t follow through?
JIMMY
He told me to “prepare for un-foreskin consequences.” Ouch!
JERRY
You became obsessed with Saturday Night Live as a kid. Your parents actually forbid you to watch the entire show, because it was too risque. What’s that all about?
JIMMY
Mom and dad edited the show, so I would only see the clean parts. My parents were so strict that when I was in elementary school, they told my teachers not to teach me cursive writing.
JERRY
What a couple of nut jobs.
JIMMY
My mom was so crazy, she put airbags on the computer in case it crashed.
JERRY
Which brings me to my next question. Was that the turning point when you decided to be a Computer Science major at college?
JIMMY
Definitely. I wanted to invent the ultimate blow up doll. An Army buddy of mine stationed in the Middle East sent me a hot Iraqi blow up doll. Problem was, she blew herself up. After that near fatal incident, I switched to a Communication major.
JERRY
And dropped out of college your senior year.
JIMMY
Boy, you do your homework. Yeah, I got the show biz bug. Always wanted to be a comedian. I was in all the school shows and did impersonations for my family.
JERRY
Like who?
JIMMY
James Cagney, Dana Carvey. Even impersonated a fart after a baked bean dinner. I did stand-up at New York City comedy clubs while I was in college. What were you doing, Jerry?
JERRY
I worked at a bank. My boss said, “Have a nice day” so I left. I can’t understand why I was fired.
JIMMY
I do.
JERRY
I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that, Jimbo.
JERRY
So how did you land your first job in show biz?
JIMMY
I moved to LA in 1995. Did improve. Got a few lines in movies. Even auditioned for my dream job at Saturday Night Live, but got rejected.
JERRY
They say rejection is a hard pill to swallow, but it’s just practice for the 60 pain killers later.
JIMMY
You got it.
JERRY
But you auditioned again for Saturday Night Live.
JIMMY
Yep. Lorne Michaels listened to my comedy, but didn’t laugh. I didn’t take that as rejection, because my peers told me the last time Lorne laughed was when his mother-in-law passed away.
JERRY
And you were hired.
JIMMY
It launched my career. Six years of fun. Then I hosted Late Night and finally The Tonight Show.
JERRY
The Tonight Show ratings suck.
JIMMY
So what? I have many hidden talents.
JERRY
Like what?
JIMMY
I wouldn’t know. They’re hidden.
JERRY
See you tomorrow.
The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner
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