The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Gomer Pyle Jr

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Gomer Pyle Jr, whose name you may recognize from a 1960’s TV show.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY DUNCAN

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? Perhaps. Today on the show my guest is Wasilla resident Gomer Pyle Jr. You may recognize the name because of his father Gomer Pyle from The Andy Griffith Show in the 60’s.

Gomer PyleJERRY

Hi Gomer.

GOMER PYLE JR

Go-o-o-o-llee! It’s really Jerry Duncan.

JERRY

Folks. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. Gomer and his son… the original Dumb and Dumber.

GOMER JR

I’m nervous. Been interviewed only once in my life.

JERRY

When?

GOMER JR

Gosh. Five years ago. The IRS had me in their big city office, because I forgot to pay taxes for 6 years. I always thought April 15 was April Fool’s Day.

JERRY

Hey, Numb Nuts. Aside from being stupid, do you know auditors and sperm have have something in common?

GOMER JR

What?

JERRY

One in 3 million has a chance of becoming a human being.

GOMER JR

Go-o-o-o-llee!

GOMER JR

Just one question, Jerry. What’s sperm?

JERRY

Something your mother regretted.

JERRY

I read you are a trained mechanic.

GOMER JR

Yessiree. I learned the trade from my daddy. Fortunately, I was like a sponge and absorbed everything before he accidentally burned down Wally’s Garage.

JERRY

What?

GOMER

One hot summer day in Mayberry, daddy had a couple of cars running in the shop that he was working on. Suddenly, he heard the sound of an ice cream truck around the corner. After devouring a milkshake in the park, daddy fell asleep. It was Wally who woke him up and dragged him to the scene of the fire.

JERRY

What did your old man say after the place burned to the ground?

GOMER JR

I remember his words. “Should I rotate the tires, Wally?”

JERRY

Hold on. I got a call coming in on my phone.

JERRY

Yeah. This is Jerry…I’m on the air! Who is this?

JERRY

Goober Pyle Jr? Are you Goober Pyle’s son from The Andy Griffith Show?

GOOBER PYLE JR

Do I get a prize if I say ‘yes?’

JERRY

A booby prize. You’re live on the air with your cousin Gomer Jr.

GOOBER JR

Hey, Gomer.

GOMER JR

Hey, Goober.

JERRY

I gotta know what you two nitwits do for a living?

GOMER JR

Well. I’m on permanent disability.

JERRY

Free loader.

GOMER JR

I am not! When I was on a farm fixin a tractor, the dang thing ran over my foot when I put it in reverse. I couldn’t work no more. To make matters worse, my girlfriend at the time stole my wheelchair. But like a fool, I came crawling back.

JERRY

Your life was over, fella.

GOMER JR

Not by a long shot. Aunt Bee was so mad that she sat on my girl’s face.That’s 300 pounds of ass, Jerry. My girl looked like a pancake after the paramedics peeled her off.

JERRY

And what about you, Goobs?

GOOBER JR

I’m a bartender in Mayberry. Been doing the same job for 50 years. The other day a chicken walked in the bar. I told the young lady, “We don’t serve poultry.” She said, “That’s okay, I just want a drink.” The animals love me, Jerry.

JERRY

I’m glad someone does.

GOMER JR

If you haven’t noticed, me and Goober think alike.

JERRY

No argument there. You share the same brain.

JERRY

Roses are red, violets are blue. If I had a brick, I’d throw it at you two. See you tomorrow.

 

The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner

Share
Share