[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Subpoena: Hell No, Ivanka Won’t Go! Unless…

Ivanka Trump is refusing a subpoena to appear at Congressional hearings. However, our reporter reveals that Ivanka may be persuaded to appear if certain conditions are met.

Image by DonkeyHotey, flickr.com.

Lawyers for Ivanka Trump responded today with an emphatic “No” to a subpoena issued by New York Attorney General Letitia James. “Testifying under oath would force Ms. Trump to tell the truth, a breach of her own moral compass. Furthermore, she has never learned this skill. It’s like asking her to answer questions in Spanish,” her lawyers said.

Ms. Trump’s counsel continued: “We understand that refusing to testify might have implications. We will do whatever is necessary to keep our client out of jail. But, in the unfortunate event that Ms. Trump is convicted and sentenced, there are a number of stipulations that must be met if she is to serve her time.”

The lawyers went on to list the following:

  • No Perp Walks: Ivanka cannot be perp walked up the steps of a Manhattan courthouse like a B list celebrity. She has agreed to do a “perp strut” with a fan to blow her hair and some Klezmer: traditional Jewish folk music, playing in the background.
  • Prison Attire: Unlike her father, Ivanka does not like the color orange. Ms. Trump has agreed to wear a jumpsuit in black satin, professionally tailored, with a pair of Ivanka Trump pumps.
  • Food: Trump follows a gluten-free, gluttonous diet. She refrains from eating gluten, but like all other aspects of her life, she delights in eating greedily, way past the point of satiety. She must be able to have as much grub as she wants, even at the expense of other prisoners.
  • Security detail: The American taxpayer must continue to fund Ivanka’s Secret Service protection. Although she often slaps Jared for fun, Ivanka recognizes that she lacks the skills to engage in a formal cat fight.
  • Personal beauty: Ivanka’s “glam squad” must be given visiting privileges to ensure her natural beauty is maintained. Her team includes: a hair extension specialist, hair colorist, hair dresser, masseuse, facialist, manicurist, dermatologist (filler and Botox), brow designer, wardrobe stylist, and a voice coach. (Her sotto voce must be practiced. Her real voice sounds more like a cat that’s been stepped on.)
  • Accommodations: Ivanka requires a private cell with a bathroom (with a bathtub), on a high floor (water or courtyard view). As a quid pro quo, she will teach a series of courses entitled: “How to Fake Empathy,” “Embracing Your Inner Narcissist,” and “Pen Pal Writing with a January 6th.”