Exclusive Report! Alternative elections to be held on the Tuesday after regular elections; Alt-President gets own Alt-Twitter account.
In a historic agreement between the federal government, the Federal Election Commission and Donald J Trump, a new shadow government will be set up with Trump presiding as the “Alt-President” from the “Southern White House” at Mar-a-Lago. The shadow government will have its own, totally not-fake elections, run by the Cyber Ninjas.
“That’s how we’ll know it’s real,” said Ivanka Trump, the new Alt-President’s Alt-Chief of Staff. “With the Cyber Ninjas in charge, we can totally forget about the fake elections and concentrate on our own.”
The entire Trump family will serve as Donald Trump’s Alternative Cabinet, and can pass all the “alt-laws” they want, without the bother of a congress to deal with. Fox News has agreed to create an Alternative News division, complete with its own “alternative facts” and Kellyanne Conway in charge – joined by OAN, long known for being an alternative to reality.
“Finally,” said Ms Conway, “we can have our very own facts! It’s all I ever really wanted. Ya’all can have your fake news, we’ve got our world now.” “And that’s a fact,” she added, “alternatively speaking.”
The FEC agreed to the shadow government elections on one condition: anyone voting in them cannot vote in the “fake elections” that they will continue to administer. Also, all new election laws being passed in state governments by the GOP this year will apply only to the new alternative elections.
“After all, why bother with fake elections now that they have the real thing?” said the FEC Chair. “With the Cyber Ninjas in charge, what could go wrong? It may take months to complete, but results are guaranteed to be bamboo-free.”
“I’m happy for Donald,” said (fake) President Joseph Biden in a statement released today. “He gets to play president on TV again, tweet all he wants on his new Alt-Twitter account, and golf to his heart’s content. I wish him all the best, and encourage all Republicans to vote in the alternative elections. Remember, it’s the Tuesday AFTER the regular elections!”
In the event Donald Trump gets sent to prison for any of his many crimes, as seems likely, he will be allowed to run his shadow government from there. The entire Trump crime family can join him, continuing as his cabinet. Voters are encouraged to stick with him, though potential prison terms could be quite long.