[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Batsh*t crazy? Minnesota congresswoman has an excuse, signed by her doctor: The mold made her do it
As the calls continue to mount for Michele Bachmann to apologize for attacking a top aide to Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, the former Republican candidate for President says she stands firm in her belief that people with ties to a Muslim extremist group are infiltrating the uppermost levels of government.
Last week, Michele Bachmann and four of her conservative counterparts sent letters to intelligence and security officers claiming members of the Muslim Brotherhood could be infiltrating top levels of the government as we speak. In particular, Bachmann named Hillary Clinton’s deputy chief of staff, Huma Abedin, as having ties with the terrorist organization through her family.
Top Republican leaders, including John McCain and John Boehner, have come forward to criticize Bachmann for the remarks, calling them irresponsible and ignorant, but to no avail. Other critics are less kind, calling Bachmann downright ‘batshit’ crazy.
However, a chief medical expert from Johns Hopkins Hospital in Baltimore, Maryland claims that Bachmann may not be responsible for her actions. David Barthmore, a chief pathologist at Johns Hopkins, claims that mold may be the culprit in Bachmann’s erratic behavior.
“I have been studying Michele Bachmann’s behavior for quite some time now. In the beginning, Representative Bachmann merely appeared to be somewhat outspoken and, forgive me…bitchy,” said Barthmore.
“I chalked it up to nothing more than hormonal changes,” he said.
“However, the recent attacks by Rep. Bachmann seem to border on the insane, or at the very least, appear to be hysterical in context. This leads me to believe that something in her possession must be responsible for making her this way.”
Barthmore says he read somewhere that Rep. Bachmann carries an old Bible with her everywhere she goes. If the Bible is, indeed, as old as has been related, then Barthmore claims this ancient religious tome is the most likely source of Bachmann’s insane behavior.
In fact, Bartmore says it could explain quite a lot about the ratcheting of religious fervor in this country in the past few years.
“My specialty is mold and mildew-related disease,” said Barthmore. “I started to suspect a connection between moldy old Bibles and mental illness at my own church when our organist began playing ragtime dance tunes in the middle of the sermon. Her name was Mildred Ferguson, and a milder-mannered woman you’d never want to meet. But when she picked up her old Bible to read along with Pastor Walker, she’d just lose it,” said Barthmore.
“She’d drop the Bible and start playing a Scott Joplin rag. It would take a good fifteen minutes or so to get her to stop and the only way to bring her out of it was to separate her from that Bible.”
Barthmore is almost certain that a combination of mold and mildew growth on Bachmann’s Bible is what is causing her to become unstable.
“My advice to Michele Bachmann is to wrap her old Bible in plastic and put it away someplace where it won’t affect her,” said Barthmore, when asked to come up with a solution.
“Ms. Bachmann, spend a few shekels and get yourself a new Bible. And,” he added, “take a few weeks off to read it. Seems to me you could use a refresher course in being a good Christian.”
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