[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

A Strange and Sordid Mystery: Hardcore Environmentalists Support Fracking in California

A strange new development has occurred in the continued battle between the oil industry and environmentalists over the use of fracking.

Fracking water
Fracking supporters say resulting mineral and chemical-fortified water might even be good for you — and the zesty taste will become all the rage.

Fracking, for those unfamiliar with the term, is the practice of pumping chemical-laden water deep underground, creating a fissure in the rock and allowing companies to remove natural gas.

Unintentionally, the chemical water used has often been showing up in drinking water afterwards. Not to mention that there have been mysterious earthquakes occurring up in places following the fracking, where earthquakes have never been before.

The strange new development is that there are now some environmentalists who want fracking done in Central and Southern California. That’s correct, you have read that right — there are some environmentalists who want fracking done in California (ie. The Land of Hippies, Liberals and All Things Considered Ungodly and Counter American (except Ronald Reagan of course)). That is the equivalent of Jesus Christ wanting strippers at the Last Supper.

In fact, members of the Sierra Club itself are not only requesting, but demanding the fracking.

The strangeness of this demand from the most political of green organizations has prompted a number of private investigators into checking into the situation. Strange revelations resulted.

Uncovered was a dastardly plot by the environmentalists to sell oil leases on land all along the San Andreas Fault line. As investigators dug deeper they realized to their horror that the perpetrators wanted the fracking to cause an earthquake that would dump all of Los Angeles into the Pacific Ocean.

It turns out that the environmentalists, normally expressly against all forms of environmental pollution, realized that if they appeared to give in a little, they could appeal to the greed of the oil companies and in the process get rid of California’s biggest environmental disaster — the city of Los Angeles.

The sordid web went ever deeper. It was exposed that all of rural Central and Southern California was sick of the way LA was lording over them and buying up all their open land to gain water rights. They saw sending LA to the bottom of the sea as a plus element for California, giving it a watery resting place just like the legendary lands of Atlantis and Mu.

The investigators, astounded by their discoveries, nonetheless kept their information under wraps. As shocked as they were, they agreed that it was a case of justifiable sabotage, and promptly began buying up land where they estimated the new Pacific beachfront would be.


Roger Freed