[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Shocking Comedy Central endorsement underscores desperate need for dependable comic fodder
The various personalities that make up the Comedy Central channel were asked on Friday to give their view on which candidate the cable network should endorse for president. Once the final vote was tallied, many were surprised to learn that Mitt Romney was the clear winner.
“Don’t look at me,” said Jon Stewart as he hurried toward the elevators. “It’s that scoundrel Colbert. Two to one he used the money he’s been making on his SuperPAC to buy Romney votes!” Colbert did not immediately deny the charge.
“Look,” said Colbert, “Mitt Romney is my bread and butter. Sure, Obama is my orange juice and eggs, but when it comes right down to it, I’d rather have a foodstuff that can be used at more than just the breakfast table.”
Many of the other personalities agreed with Colbert, if only partially, because no one at this point could find anything funny about four more years with Obama at the helm.
“Obama just doesn’t give us anything to work with,” said Hugh Morris, a writer for Comedy Central’s Daily Show. “Sure, there’s always Joe Biden, but even he isn’t enough to carry Obama for four more years,” he said.
A few of the writers agree that with Romney’s C-3PO walk alone, they could virtually have enough laughs to carry them at least through 2014.
“Granted, he’s no George Dubya,” said Morris, “But then again, who is? A guy like that comes along once in a millennium.”
Even with the threat of Romney pulling an “NPR” style ban on cable TV, the cast and crew of most of the shows still decided they’d take a chance with Romney.
Stars Keegan Michael Key and Jordan Peele, from the new hit show Key & Peele, are the only Comedy Central personalities who are considering crossing the line and voting for Obama.
“I’ve tried impersonating Mitt Romney,” said Key, “and to be honest, my wimpy white man impression sucks. If Romney gets voted in, I’m afraid we won’t be looking at another season of Key & Peele.”
Peele disagreed. “I’m gonna pull a flip-flop on this,” he said. “I wouldn’t write Romney off so quickly. If worse came to worse, I think with a little white face, an Eddie Munster wig, and a pair of sad monkey eye contacts, I could do a pretty decent Paul Ryan.”
“Plus,” he added, “I’ve always thought the Mormons were a rich source of humor…almost as fertile as fanatical right-wing Christians, so yeah, maybe I will get behind the Romney/Ryan ticket after all.”
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