CAC banner ad
Humor Times Free Trial
Humor Times App

[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]

U.S. Magazines Give Their Endorsements for President

Nov 052012
 By , November 5, 2012

Presidential endorsements from your favorite magazines

Rolling Stone endorsement – “Jerry Garcia Man! He’d make the bitchiness President ever! Wait, what do you mean he’s dead?”

Playboy – “Bill Clinton! We’d be able to make a lot of copy if he were back in the saddle!”

magazine endorsementCosmopolitan – “Our endorsement is for Sarah Palin! What a hot cover we’d have if she were elected! And the sexy articles we could write.”

Sports Illustrated – “Bring Teddy Roosevelt back from the dead. He’s the only real man in the President’s seat since Andrew Jackson!”

Consumer’s Reports – “We’ve said Ralph Nader the last two elections and we’ll say it again this one even though he isn’t running!”

The Conservative – “We still want Gingrich! We’re just stuck with the Mormon guy. Of course, he is better any day than the black guy.”

MAD Magazine – “We’re in for Romney. Obama is too difficult to make fun of. Romney is a walking target.”

Better Homes and Gardens – “Obama! Not that we want him, but his wife has just the touch that our readers like. No Negroes normally live in the neighborhoods we write about.”

TV Guide – “Definitely, unquestionably, firmly, our endorsement is for Romney. He’s owned by FOX News and they are our biggest advertiser.”

High Times – “What election?”

Field and Stream – “We sell hunting which means selling guns which means the NRA which means the Republicans which means Romney whether we like him or not.”

Philosophy Today – “In the ultimate realm of things and in the true height and breadth of the mammoth universe in which we live does it matter for whom we give an endorsement?”

Maxim – “Jessica Alba! Who cares if she knows nothing about politics? She’s hot!”

National Geographic – “Since the only ethnic about Romney is his Mormonism we feel obliged to back Obama. In our history if we had only ever done articles on boring Anglo-Saxon businessmen we would have gone out of print long ago.”

US Magazine – “We don’t care who wins. We’ll be able to come up with crap about either one of them.”

Esquire – “Oh, PLEASE!! Must you ask? We only write about cool people. Do you think Romney would fit that bill?”

Reader’s Digest – “Romney. It would be a lot less work condensing what he has to say.”

The New Yorker – “Only the urbane, the sophisticated and the intellectual for us. Obama is our man.”

Ebony – “Now just who do you think? Romney is so white bread and slick he would just slide right off the page if we wrote about him.”

Vogue – “Since our magazine is entirely based on looks it is a difficult decision. Both men arre good looking and good dressers. Obama would be favored on being a cooler dresser, but would lose points because his ears stick out.”

Humor Times – “Can we get George W. back? We always had an endless source of material with him around!”

The following two tabs change content below.
Roger Freed has a fertile, if somewhat warped, imagination. Read him at your own risk! More laugh gaffes available at Semi-Humorous Humor. For something in a more serious mode get "The Book Of Songs" by Roger Freed from A collection of short stories illustrating the subtle and powerful influence music can have on our minds and our spirits.

Latest posts by Roger Freed (see all)

Like the above content? Leave a comment below! Get notified of new content on Subscribe via email!