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[Disclaimer: This article is a "fake news" piece. Proceed at your own risk!]

Apple Cancels iPhone 5, Re-releases Original Palm Pilot

Jul 082013
 
 By , July 8, 2013

After iPhone troubles, basic palm pilot seen as glitch-free product to reboot company

Apple CEO Tim Cook, looking to go in another direction with the company, revealed his plans to reboot the very first PDA ever created: the human palm. He’s calling it OPP.

Apple Cancels iPhone 5, Re-releases Original Palm Pilot

After rigorous testing — even on live television — the OPP is ready to reboot Apple.

A spokesman for the company asked the press in attendance if they were “down with OPP,” and strangely enough all of them echoed in refrain: “Yeah, you know me.”

Mr. Cook explained that they are discontinuing the iPhone 5 (and all other iPhones for that matter) in an attempt to both cut down on costs and make the company more “human.”

This drastic deviation from such high-tech products as the iPad and iPhone–products that pushed the boundaries of technology, design, and ways to play Angry Birds–has come as a complete surprise to many.  Some are even questioning the new CEO’s ability to keep his company current.

“Yeah, I think this is a real step back, not just for Apple, but for the industry as a whole,” said a spokesman for Gizmodo.  “They go from iCloud to this?  And how do they expect it to work with iCloud anyway?  Are people supposed to plug a USB into their hands? Stupid.”

According to the announcement, since this new device is not available online, customers who wish to purchase the retro palm pilot should seek out their local Apple retailer, where a store employee will draw the Apple logo on the back of their hand.

The Apple spokesman also revealed that former political aspirant, Sarah Palin, will act as a celebrity model/promoter of the new product.

“Mrs. Palin, like many people in America, has been using her hand for this very purpose for quite some time.  And though we are not endorsing her politics, we are definitely endorsing her palm.”

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Jeff Boldt is an English teacher living in China and the writer and editor of Iron E-News, a website dedicated to that ever-abiding alternate bizarro world -- at times all too closely mirroring our own.