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Argus Hamilton Comments on the News: The Royal Baby & Much More

Jul 232013
 By , July 23, 2013

On the royal baby, Detroit bankruptcy, immigration, and many more hilarious subjects!

Prince William and Kate left her parents’ home Friday, sparking frenzy that the royal birth was at hand. It was overdue. The royal baby refused to come out until People magazine agreed to pay at least twice the money it paid for the first photo of Kim Kardashian‘s baby.

Detroit filed for bankruptcy Friday listing eighteen billion dollars in municipal debt and pensions it can’t pay. The declining business revenues can’t support government services. President Obama just told reporters that if he had a city it would look like Detroit.

President Obama griped about race relations at a press briefing Friday. He conceded grudgingly that race relations are gradually getting better. For crying out loud, the Ku Klux Klan just turned in a GE engineer to the FBI who was planning to harm President Obama with a radon bomb, what does he want, a KKK robe to add to his jersey collection?

Barack Obama said Friday he himself might have wound up like Trayvon Martin. Not likely. Any black kid who was destined to double the Dow Jones, save banks and double oil profits would be greeted in any gated community with gold, frankincense and myrrh.

John McCain warned the GOP House that stalling on immigration reform would cost the GOP Hispanic votes. He should relax. Democrats spent the entire Zimmerman trial claiming that Hispanics are white and Republicans shouldn’t look a gift horse in the mouth .

The Environmental Protection Agency named its EPA national headquarters building in Washington D.C. after Bill Clinton Thursday. A copy of his presidential portrait now hangs in the EPA lobby. It’s the first presidential portrait ever to feature full frontal nudity.

The Weather Channel reported a heat wave on the Eastern Seaboard as one hundred degree temperatures boiled New York . It’s unbearable there. While campaigning last week, Eliot Spitzer was audiotaped offering a prostitute four thousand dollars for a Slurpee.

San Diego’s Mayor Bob Filner was accused of groping women while campaigning and groping women on the street and groping women at work. There’s his side. Not once has the city of San Diego been attacked by an attractive female terrorist on his watch as mayor.

Detroit’s bankruptcy called attention to its high crime rate, its gang violence and its white flight. It has eighty thousand buildings and houses abandoned. The mayor said that until Detroit can get back on its feet it’s going to crash on Chicago’s couch for awhile.

The Pentagon said al-Qaeda of Yemen’s number-two guy was killed by a drone strike Thursday, The terrorists say the kill was unfair. Their number-two guy was a rocket designer, a religious scholar and a munitions expert while our number-two guy is Joe Biden.

Whitey Bulger’s mob murder trial was upset by news that a prosecution witness was found dead of mysterious causes Thursday. It’s probably a coincidence. The coroner’s preliminary diagnosis is the prosecution witness suffered an allergic reaction to an icepick.

NFL training camps opened Monday with many teams using entirely new playbooks this season. Most teams are switching to the run and shoot offense, but players spent the entire off-season practicing the shoot and run. The league sees it as a dyslexia problem.

San Bernardino was hit by mobs of youth called Bash Mobs who ran down the street hundreds at a time and robbed people. They met at the Jack in the Box. You shout your grievances into the clown’s mouth then pull up to the window and pick up your reparations

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Argus Hamilton is the man Robin Williams once called "the Will Rogers of the Baby Boom." Argus' daily column of jokes on the news, now carried in over 100 newspapers across the United States, including the Humor Times, is also read and heard by millions on the Internet and on radio stations across the country.

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