[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Officials respond that nation is united in its divisiveness
The UN Security Council has put forth a petition demanding that the United States of America drop the term ‘United’ from their name, due to the partisan bickering between conservative and liberal elements that has divided the nation.
Chief UN Spokesman Igo Monkeyfat has declared, “The name ‘United States of America’ is no longer an accurate or true description of the country. For a decade now the infighting in America has so torn apart the country that it barely functions as a regulating body. We at the UN now state that this name must be dropped in favor of one that more adequately describes the nation known as ‘America.’”
Taken aback by this, politicians in the ‘United’ States of America have not known how to respond. Senate Speaker John Boehner had this this to say: “Um…ah…well…” then burst into tears and ran like a girl down the hall.
Vice President Biden stated “Well…ah…I can see where they are coming from. Um, let me talk with the President and I’ll get back to you on this,” and he promptly left the room.
So far, the reaction seems to be that the conservatives are getting their panties in a bunch and the liberals are stroking their chins and saying it might be a good idea.
Of course, the haters of the UN had their mouths flapping about it immediately after the press release. “We don’t need no off-white foreigners telling us what we should call ourselves. They can go take care of their own business and leave us to ours. The only thing we need to hear from them is if they discover gold or oil in their country. Then we’ll show an interest and get in contact with them.”
Names the UN body have suggested for more accurate new titles of the United States include: ‘Opposing States of America,’ ‘Occasionally United States of America,’ ‘ The Neurotic States,’ ‘The Partisan States,’ ‘The Very Bipolar States’ and ‘The Corporate Sponsored States of America.’ The suggestion ‘The Overbearing States of America’ was popular with many of the smaller countries at the UN.
North Korea has suggested ‘Bloated Capitalistic Pigs of America.’ China said the ‘Soon to be Our States of America’ would be nice. Mexicans are already calling it ‘Paycheck of America’ and England asked if they could have some of the states back they lost in the revolution.
More on this breaking news story as it develops.
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