[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
The Day the Twitter-verse Stood Still
Millions of astute, insightful, earth-shaking and otherwise irreplaceable tweets were wasted today — lost forever to the recesses of the universe — as Twitter went down momentarily.
“How can I transmit timely tweets twixt Tweesha and Twyla when twitter goes twang?” asked Twiggy Twyford. “I feel like a twit.”
Some of the more significant pearls of wisdom lost to humanity on this fateful day include:
- “Eww! Aw Naw! Just nasty! How can you get out of the shower and put on the same draws?!” — Attempted tweet by Sammy Samba, complaining to the twitterverse, yet again, about his roommate.
- “Don’t eat ‘flaming hot’ monster munchies…they stink!” — This warning sadly will never be seen, condemning untold multitudes to stinky Monster Munch hell. (Double warning: Never eat while wearing a hoodie!)
- “The web would gust not let me post a sinjle J — jood Jod! My keyboard is gammed. Gust WTF is joing on here? Jotta assume
#twittersilence is still in effect for Js.” — Attempted post by a man who later found out his “G” and “J” keys got swapped in a prank by his office buddies.
- “Twitter is down! I repeat, DOWN!” — Attempted warning to the twitterverse from a concerned twit.
Thank the internet gods, Twitter came back on within ten minutes. But the world has lost more than it could know.
“This is all Obama’s fault!” said Senator Orrin Hatch, age 79. “And what in tarnation is ‘twitter’?”
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