[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Mississippi: A weighty issue
Current statistics show that the people of Mississippi are the fattest in the nation weighing in at an average of 197 lbs. for a 5’8″ person. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that their diets play a huge role in just how fat they are. However, it does take a nutritionist, who also happens to be a self-professed clairvoyant, to predict how these numbers will impact the state of Mississippi in the near future.
Claire Dunsaid, a Certified Nutritional Specialist from Glendale, Arizona (a vegan who is 5’6″ and weighs 108 lbs. — not that this information is in any way relevant to this story), has recently notified the Governor of the State of Mississippi that unless he does something to ‘downsize’ the citizens of his state, at least 80% of the population will die from obesity-related diseases, including diabetes, coronary heart disease, and stroke, by the year 2018.
“80%!” said Ms. Dunsaid incredulously, as if she was hearing the number for the very first time.
“I’ve gone back over my research again and again, and even I cannot believe the enormity of the situation,” she said.
Besides her prediction that 80% of the population will have passed on by the year 2018, Ms. Dunsaid also predicts that Mississippi will go bankrupt within the next three years due to the inability to subsidize the medical costs for 40% of the state’s population who are too poor to pay for their poor eating habits.
Dunsaid’s message to the Governor reads in part:
I am dead serious when I warn you that unless you take the necessary steps to demand that the citizens of your state cut back, and I mean way back, on the amount of unhealthy foods they are currently consuming, the results of overeating will be devastating. I predict that by the year 2018, 80% of your population will die!
Asked what could be done to save the state from the fate she has predicted, Ms. Dunsaid simply replied “fried chicken, fried anything for that matter. If the citizens of Mississippi would simply cut fried foods from their diets, they would almost immediately reverse the fate they now face.”
But it seems that when asked, most Mississippians said they’d rather die than give up their fried chicken and catfish.
Ms. Dunsaid replied “So be it.”
The Governor, while having lunch at Miss Winnie’s All-You-Can-Eat Catfish House, declined a response when asked what he thought of Ms. Dunsaid’s prediction. Instead, he ordered a refill on his sweet tea and a slice of Miss Winnie’s famous deep-fried pecan pie.
Latest posts by P. Beckert (see all)
- Trump Orders All Cabinet Members to Wear Shock Collars - February 27, 2017
- ‘Inauguration Roast’ to Replace Standard Swearing-In Ceremony - January 18, 2017
- Trump Resigns Over Mandatory Reading Assignments from DOD - January 2, 2017
Like the above content? Leave a comment below! Get notified of new content on HumorTimes.com: Subscribe via email!