Test your knowledge about New York’s scintillating mayoral campaign!
Give yourself one extra credit point if you knew there was an election going on in New York, and two points for being able to pick any of the candidates out from a lineup. Answers are at www.Ithoughtbloombergwasmayorforlife.com.
Bill de Blasio’s policy on stop and frisk is to
A) End stop and frisk.
B) Stop and frisk Mayor Bloomberg.
C) Stop at the red and cross at the green.
Joe Lhota’s policy on stop and frisk is to
A) Continue stop and frisk.
B) Replace stop and frisk with stop, plant drugs and frisk.
C) Replace stop and frisk with aim and shoot.
Aldolfo Carrion is
A) The Independence Party candidate for mayor.
B) The Yankees’ replacement for Mariano Rivera.
C) Bill de Blasio’s nom de guerre when he ran guns for the Sandinistas in the 1980s.
Bill de Blasio has endeared himself to animal lovers by
A) Promising to end horse-drawn-carriage rides in New York’s Central Park.
B) Promising to end the rodent genocide, by banning rat poison and mouse traps.
C) Requiring developers to build roach motels.
Joe Lhota has infuriated animal lovers by
A) Implying that he would allow subway trains to mow down innocent kittens.
B) Proposing to make dog-fighting part of the training for the NYPD K-9 unit.
C) Proposing a pooper-scooper type law for dog urine.
The top priority for voters is
B) Getting the Giants to change their name from New York to New Jersey.
C) Getting a dinner reservation at Rao’s.
Bill de Blasio describes himself as
A) A fiscal conservative.
B) A hammer and sickle Marxist.
C) A Marx Brothers’ fan.
Joe Lhota describes himself as
A) A libertarian.
B) A vegetarian.
C) A totalitarian.
As a young man Bill de Blasio changed his name from
A) Warren Wilhelm Jr.
B) Fidel Castro Jr.
C) David Dinkins Jr.
Bill de Blasio has proposed raising taxes on the wealthy
A) To pay for pre-K classes.
B) To buy guns for minorities, so they can protect themselves from the police.
C) Because he hates rich people.
Joe Lhota wants to lower taxes on businesses
A) To create jobs.
B) So that businesses will have more money to contribute to his re-election campaign.
C) So that government will have less money available for kitten and puppy shelters.
Bill de Blasio’s position on smoking is
A) He support’s Mayor Bloomberg’s smoking ban.
B) He would like to smoke a joint with Mayor Bloomberg.
C) He would like to blow smoke in Mayor Bloomberg’s face.
Joe Lhota’s position on smoking is
A) He opposes Mayor Bloomberg’s smoking ban.
B) He admits to smoking crack, but didn’t inhale.
C) He had voters wondering what he was smoking when he called Port Authority police “mall cops.”
Jack Hidary is
A) Running for mayor on the “Jobs and Education” ballot line.
B) Dating J-Lo.
C) Who cares who he is?
The likeliest outcome of the New York election is
A) A de Blasio victory followed by a downgrade of the city’s bonds from AA to XYZ.
B) A de Blasio victory followed by tanks surrounding City Hall and the installation of Generalissimo Bloomberg.
C) A Lhota victory followed by other miracles, such as world peace, the raising of the dead and a budget deal in Washington.
The City Hall press corps is
A) Thrilled at the prospect of covering a de Blasio or Lhota administration.
C) Praying Anthony Weiner runs for something again.
A version of this essay was published in the Queens Gazette.