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[Disclaimer: This article is a "fake news" piece. Proceed at your own risk!]

Breaking News: Research Shows Fingers All You Need to Type on Keyboard

Dec 052013
 
 By , December 5, 2013

No thought needed to produce breaking news stories

The Institute of Neurological Research, located in Berkeley California, released a shocking new report on human brain function and development yesterday.

keyboard breaking news headlinesThough initially seeking to gain further understanding as to how homo sapiens are able to perform complex tasks at high levels of intelligences (or how our brains work), they unwittingly made a very shocking discovery.

The report shows that the body has somehow learned to carry out moderately high-level tasks apart from any brain function whatsoever.

In order to prove this, the team of researchers put a Yahoo! Breaking News editor into a light coma and then placed a keyboard in front of him.

Here are the results:

Adam Levine’s Fiancee Laughed, and Apparently it Was at Him

Beyonce and Jay Z Ate Vegan for Lunch, Offend Sensitive Cows Everywhere

Pamela Anderson is Now a Brunette (and no, we’re not kidding)!

Not to be Outdone, Jullianne Hough Wowed the Whole World with her Extensions

‘Jurassic Park’ Star Joseph Mazzello is All Grown Up Now

Paris Hilton Wears Bikini in Dubai

In related news: Paris Hilton is Now Missing

And the news hits just kept coming.  This enlightening scientific discovery is being hailed as the one of the greatest of our time and is provoking interest from celebrities to politicians to pop stars all over the world.

One wonders what else can be (and has been) accomplished without brain activity.

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Jeff Boldt is an English teacher living in China and the writer and editor of Iron E-News, a website dedicated to that ever-abiding alternate bizarro world -- at times all too closely mirroring our own.

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  • Roger Freed

    Definitely funny worthy!
    And probably true…..

    • Hey Roger. Thanks for the comment. Good ole Yahoo news aggregator. Haha.