[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Celebrities looking for “professional kiss-ups”
Sid Weinstock, a savvy businessman from Los Angeles, has a list of some of the biggest celebrities in the country, who are each pledging to hire several new entourage members in an effort to create upwards of 100,000 new jobs in America in 2014. Justin Bieber has promised to add at least 20 new members to his entourage in the coming months. Auditions for the jobs will be taking place in Atlanta in January.
Weinstock has created a company called Kiss Ups International, and he has people right now posting want ads in all the major US cities to find folks who might be a good fit for some of the highest paid artists in the world as well as some of the lowest paid.
“From Beyonce to Kate Gosselin, New York to LA, we are coming to a city near you, to find out what skills you have to make our stars extremely comfortable in their hectic lives. We are looking for professional kiss-ups, and so far, we’ve found quite a few maybes,” said Weinstock.
The goal behind Weinstock’s hiring plan is to to see President Obama’s job bill succeed.
Said Weinstock, “Most of our major factories have closed and the jobs shipped overseas, our young adults are coming out of school without the educational tools necessary to hold down high-paying jobs, and the change in climate makes it hard on those who have to take outdoor jobs. Our goal is to take young Americans out of their mama’s basements and get them in real jobs that (most times) doesn’t involve flipping burgers.”
Weinstock is hopeful the entourage jobs will fill a growing need because he says you don’t need any special skills to do the job other than the willingness to be someone’s “whipping post.”
According to Weinstock, the list of celebrities are growing every day, mainly due to the reality star industry. Kiss Ups International understands the unique needs of the growing number of what he calls pseudo-celebs, those up-and-coming reality stars who all of a sudden realize they are “somebody” and need some “peeps” to show for it. Like candy on the arm kinda stuff.
Weinstock has dealt with many celebrities’ demands, from the mundane to the ridiculous.
Asked to give a for instance, Weinstock recanted a meeting he had with Honey Boo Boo’s mom, “Mama June.” Mama June has pledged to hire at least four employees who all need to be able to blend in with the peculiar family.
“I need someone who ain’t afraid of rednecks,” said Mama June. “And, they have to be able to put up with our regular farting without judging us, unless, of course, we’re having a farting contest. Oh, and Honey Boo Boo needs someone who will go to the grocery store all hours of the day and night for a twinkies fix.”
Weinstock says that no special skills are necessary, but all applicants must possess a willingness to be there 24/7 for the celebrities. Whether it’s holding Lindsay Lohan’s hair back while she’s bent over puking, greasing the wrecking ball of a famous singer, or getting caught in a barrage of gunfire (in the case of gangsta rap stars). We need folks who are there ready to serve,” said Weinstock.
“It’s not as glamorous a job as you would think,” cautioned Weinstock, “but it’s a job and one that pays a fairly decent wage when you consider perks such as riding in limos, private jets and luxury buses, as well as being offered leftovers from some of the finest restaurants in the country.”
Weinstock claims that when all is said and done, entertainers from Hollywood to New York will be the real heroes of this latest economic disaster because they will have had the foresight and the means to take advantage of a large pool of low-paid workers willing to put up with just about anything to earn a paycheck.
Said Weinstock, “Just ask Kate Gosselin’s nannies.”
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