[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Gummy Bears, while cute and tasty, set bad example
SAN DIEGO, CA — Gummy Bears candy has been around for decades, giving children the world over a fun and fruity treat, whether sprinkled on ice cream or eaten straight out of the bag. However, there is one person who wants Gummy Bears taken off the market.
Susie McGillicutty, from San Diego, is a PETA activist who claims that Gummy Bears may make hunters out of children later in life.
“Sure, they are cute, those little dancing bears,” said McGillicutty, “but have you ever wondered about what happens to children when they grow up on Gummy Bears? They are so desensitized by the time they become young adults, that they may decide killing bears and eating them is perfectly fine.”
Even for other PETA members, this seemed to be a stretch, but McGillicutty claims she has several co-activist friends who thoroughly agree with her.
“I decided to come forward with this thought of mine after seeing that the United States Patent Office has stripped the Washington Redskins of their trademark.”
Although that bit of news has nothing to do with animal cruelty, we continued our conversation with McGillicutty.
“I love bears,” said an emotional McGillicutty, “and I’ll go to any lengths to save them,” she continued, wiping away a tear.
When reminded that this was merely a children’s candy and not really aimed at making killers or hunters out of the children who ate them, McGillicutty was unconvinced.
“Oh, I’ve watched children scarf down those little bears with reckless abandon,” she said. “They remind me of a pack of hungry hyenas going after a water buffalo carcass in Africa.”
That last statement from McGillicutty begged the question “Interesting that you make that connection, Ms. McGillicutty. Certainly you are aware that Gummy Bears contain gelatin made from the collagen extracted from the carcasses of mainly cattle and pigs? Perhaps that is why you are so intent on getting this candy off the market?”
Ms. McGillicutty seemed shocked to learn this.
“You mean, I’m right? I mean, yeah, sure, I knew that. That is another reason I don’t want kids eating the stuff,” she said.
PETA could not be reached for comment.
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