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[Disclaimer: This article is a "fake news" piece. Proceed at your own risk!]

Bruce Wayne and God Among Rejected “Suicide Squad” Applicants

May 112015
 
 By , May 11, 2015

Highly anticipated “Suicide Squad” movie was challenging to cast

Suicide SquadNearly a year away from the highly anticipated film “Suicide Squad,” DC has recently revealed images of the cast and costumes. Along with the release, came an exclusive inside scoop on some of the Squad rejections… and why.

8 Rejected Suicide Squad Applicants

1.) The Riddler – Gotham’s infamous trickster found himself on the bewildered side by his rejection letter to the Suicide Squad. When questioned, the consensus among the group was that he’s a phenomenal villain, but he vapes, and vaping is like, totally lame.

2.) Bane – The unintelligible giant was originally signed on to the project, until sources claimed he “read this script” and said “this is probably gonna suck, I’ll stick with Mad Max.”

3.) Bruce Wayne – For some reason, Gotham’s resident billionaire was very enthusiastic about joining the squad. “I wanted to infiltrate-I mean check out what was going on with these villains…I mean cool dudes…so I could spy-I MEAN HANG OUT…” Wayne later offered to buy his way in, which was allegedly kinda depressing to watch.

4.) Swiper – Notorious for his prolific acts of larceny on the children’s program “Dora the Explorer,” the foxy bandit had high hopes going into his interview. Things went well until he was asked what his biggest weakness was. “So I mentioned the whole ‘Swiper no swiping’ thing. If I hear anyone say it, I gotta surrender. What, and you’re perfect? You don’t have any flaws?” he sighed “I’m gonna go home and drink myself to sleep.”

5.) Hitler – The fearsome leader of the Third Reich was the obvious first choice to many villains in the group. Unfortunately, he took the whole “suicide” aspect too seriously. Also, the Joker is Jewish, so that would’ve been awkward. Well, he mentioned it once, offhandedly. Not sure if he practices or anything. But still.

6.) God – Nobody knew if it was a practical joke, or if God himself sent His resume in. No one showed up at the allotted appointment time, however, the lights did flicker a couple times, which freaked a everyone out. Killer Croc pulled out a joint which led to the whole group participating in a 45 minute conversation about “how God could be like…anything. An idea, or like, a feeling.” Nothing was accomplished for the rest of the day.

7.) You – Well, what a surprise. Of course you didn’t make the cut. You’re a failure. Admit it. No no no, admit it. Seriously. Every ‘outside the box’ idea you’ve ever had has been a half-baked turd at best. It’s not that you suck. It’s just that you’re average, and you tried to be something more. Something great. But you’re not great. You’re average. There’s nothing wrong with that, but it’s about time you accept it. You cling to your so called list of accomplishments…and for what? Think about it, how many of those actually matter? Who will care about you after you die? Who will even think about you?

8.) The 1997 Utah Jazz – John Stockton and Karl Malone couldn’t make it to the interview due to their Uber getting lost, so Byron Russell had to take the lead, a moment he’d been waiting his whole life for. It didn’t go well.

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Joey Long

Joey Long’s credits include the independent projects "Caught" (2015) and "I’m Sorry." Long can be seen performing stand-up around the Los Angeles area in notable venues such as The Hollywood Improv, Flappers in Burbank, the HaHa Café and The Comedy Store. He has also written and directed.