Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.
Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
Or, as Donald Trump calls them ‘Anchor Cubs.’
Ex-Subway spokesman Jared Fogle to plead guilty to child pornography charges
He went from Jared from Subway to Jared that guy in the Subway.
Chris Christie says he’ll ride into Iowa fair on a pony
Where are you now that we need you, PETA?
You can now rent an apartment in Cuba
Or, as it’s known on Craig’s List, ‘Miami adjacent.’
Former Fiorina campaign staff claim they’d ‘rather go to Iraq’ than work for her again
Jeb Bush promises, if elected, he will send them there.
NY Times claims Amazon is a cruel, soul-devouring workplace
Apparently, working in the Amazon is less crappy than working for Amazon.
‘Fantastic Four’ bombs at box office
Looks like ‘Fantastic Four’ is not only the name of the movie, but name for all the people who actually saw it.
Happy 72nd birthday, Robert DeNiro
Now when you ask, ‘are you talking to me?’ It’s because your hearing’s going.
Ashley Madison hackers vow more attacks: report
I can’t be the only one wondering when the hackers will expose all the non-Jews on JDate.
Head of Rand Paul Super PAC indicted
Better than the candidate, who according to polls is having trouble getting himself arrested.
The marijuana problem that few people are talking about
Mostly, because they keep forgetting what it is.
21 warning signs someone is Bipolar
For one, they think there are 42 signs.
New women’s Viagra comes with warning mixing with alcohol could cause you to pass out
The same warning needs to be issued for having drinks with Bill Cosby.
Happy 69th birthday, Bill Clinton
Sometimes, these just write themselves.
Like the above content? Leave a comment below! Get notified of new content on HumorTimes.com: Subscribe via email!