[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

New Marketing Study Finds Keys to Success and Failure

Some products “Just miss the mark”: Marketing study

New findings from a large marketing study have just been released by the UCLA School of Business and Management. They relate that in a highly competitive free enterprise economy, it was important to determine which products with similar promised outcomes to the consumer were successful and which failed. They labeled the first group “hits” and the latter “misses.”

The researchers have only released a small amount of preliminary findings as they begin the next step in the analysis to determine why some succeed and others do not. Below are some products that they found were market hits and some that just miss the mark.

Hits / Misses

Marketing study: Doodle, a Poodle guard dog
The Doodle, a guard dog Poodle.

Category: Designer Dogs

The Doodle: Hypo-allergenic dog, mix of standard poodle and golden retriever / The Pitle: Guard dog designed for apartment living, mix of pit bull and chihuahua.

Category: Wrinkle eliminator using a deadly substance

Botox / Ebolatox

Category: perfumes/scents with natural pheromones

Musk / Muskrat

Category: technology to enhance your movie theater experience

Surround Sound / Surround Smell

Category: healthy, butter-replacement spreads

I can’t believe it’s not butter / I wish it was butter

Category: convenient ways to transport your pet

The dog crate / The vacuum sealed pet carrier

Category: acronyms for rapid transit systems

Bay Area Rapid Transit (BART) / Fresno Area Rapid Transit (FART)

Category: convenient drive-thru services for busy people

1) the drive-thru bank / 1) the drive-thru colonoscopy

2) drive-thru fast food / 2) the drive-thru mortuary

Category: acronyms for organizations and agencies to control pet over-population

Non-profit organization: Pet Over-Population Prevention (POPP) / City agency to enforce spaying laws: Pet Over-population Ordinance Patrol (POOP)

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Diane de Anda

Diane de Anda

Diane de Anda is a third generation Latina and retired UCLA professor. Tired of cranking out technical articles in a "publish or perish" atmosphere, she now spends most of her time writing adult fiction, children's books, parody, and satire. Her weapon of choice is the limerick, aimed with humor and a touch of malice at society's icons, celebrities, politicians, and other irritating folk.
Diane de Anda

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