[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

DeSantis to Open Anti-Wokeland Amusement Park

The Florida governor says that his “Anti-Wokeland” will rival Disney World and eventually put it out of business.

In his continuing war with Disney World, Governor DeSantis has revealed a plan to create a competing amusement park called “Anti-Wokeland” using his ongoing political theme to fight “Woke ideology.”

Anti Wokeland
One of the most popular attractions would be the Anti-Wokeland book burnings, to be held within sight of the real Disney World.

Anti-Wokeland will emphasize binary gender as all entering guests will need to present their birth certificates to determine their gender at birth.

To signify that they have paid their admission, all male adults and boys will be issued blue bow ties to wear while in the park and adult females and girls will be given headbands with pink bows. Transgender individuals will not be allowed to enter the park unless they wear the bow tie or pink bow associated with their gender at birth and dress accordingly.

Upon entering the park, guests will face a huge bonfire. Alongside the bonfire are bookstands where they can buy books to toss into the fire, such as Catcher in the Rye, Uncle Tom’s Cabin, and various books featuring LGBTQ+ content and characters. Guests are also allowed to bring their own books to toss into the fire.

Adjacent to the bonfire is the Anti-Woke Library, where guests can choose from various textbooks and rewrite history. The main categories are civil rights, slavery and the Civil War.

Guests can then enjoy a number of game booths. “Dunk a Drag Queen” is expected to be one of the most popular attractions. Guests will throw baseballs at a target to have a drag queen manikin fall into a vat of water.

Two anti-abortion booths are planned. In Spin the Fetus, a plastic fetus is attached to the middle of a rotating wheel with various months of gestation around the edge of the circle. The guest wins a prize if the head of the fetus lands on any time 15 weeks or less. Similarly, guests toss balls into wooden boxes each representing a different gestation time. Balls landing in boxes 15 weeks or less win a prize.

Another booth has a huge map of the US with the states identified as red or blue with the appropriate color balloon. Each guest gets five darts to pop the blue balloons. The more blue balloons they pop, the bigger the prize.

The Gerrymandering Room is for adults, because it is a more complicated game. This is a competition in which ten guests compete to gerrymander a map of Florida . The winner is the guest who secures the most Republican seats.

In a final blow to his rival, DeSantis has created a variation on the Whack a Mole game. The guests use a large mallet to smash Mickey Mouse as he peeps out of each hole.

Diane de Anda