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[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]

I Have Seen the Apocalypse and There Was Not a Woman In Sight

Mar 092017
 
 By , March 9, 2017

Women’s protest leaves men everywhere helpless

In the wake of the “A Day Without Women” protest, the nation is still coping with the ripple effect of a world absent the feminine touch. Schools, restaurants, hospitals and even strip clubs were a colder, darker place, and the message did not go unnoticed.

Women marchThe purpose of the protest was to illustrate the inequalities that many women face in the workplace and how the absence of their efforts would disrupt the market’s traditional status quo.

Mark Stansbury, a father from New Jersey, was one of many husbands caught off guard by the sudden vacancy.

“I woke up and my wife was gone,” said Stansbury. “Just gone. I didn’t know if she was out protesting or if she left me, or what. She didn’t even leave a note.”

Like so many men that morning, Mark realized he had to do the work of two people in order to get his children ready for school.

“To be honest, I don’t know how she does it. Our youngest boy, Michael — I think he might be the devil.”

But as it turns out, Mark Stansbury was one of the lucky ones that day. In many districts schools closed down entirely as a sign of solidarity with their female teachers.

“It’s like Lord of the Flies out there,” said Jacob Carlson of Westchester, Massachusetts. “I legitimately saw a fat kid running around with a spear in his hand this morning.”

With not a single women present, the adolescent population took to the streets in droves of gang-like proportions. Candy stores were looted, stroller fires erupted in unsupervised parks, and a petition to abolish nap time went viral on Facebook in under twenty minutes.

The horror of it all was almost too much for Ron Steadman, a construction worker from Fort Worth, Texas, to bare.

“Dang kids is out here runnin’ amuck! They’re blastin’ this awful music, gettin’ all hopped up on sugar! Hell, they ain’t even usin’ the crosswalk!”

But according to Ron, the trauma did not end with just unsupervised children. In fact, things got much worse elsewhere in town.

The reality of the strike set in when Steadman walked into the Jiggly House, a local strip club, for his lunch.

“Wouldn’t you believe they had the dang bus boy up there swinging on the pole,” he said. “I’m all for completin’ yer bucket list but I just about puked on ma’ boots.”

As Ron looked around, he realized there was not a single women working the floor that afternoon; he was completely surrounded by men.

“I stormed out disgusted. Didn’t even ask for ma’ ten-dollar cover charge back,” said Ron. “Instead I went on down to the Hooters on fifth. That was a mistake too.”

The word to protest had not only circulated throughout the email chains and text threads of the local housewife but the scantily clad restaurant/entertainment industry as well.

Steadman was truly dismayed.

“You ever seen a grown man wearing booty shorts sellin’ chicken wings? I may never be the same.”

But the ripple effect did not stop at unsupervised children and male strippers.

The medical industry was not immune to the influence of the protest either as countless nurses and aides shed their scrubs for protest signs.

In many hospitals bedpans were neglected and medications were not properly distributed.

Travis Barker, a patient at Holy Orders Hospital on Long Island, had a particularly bad morning.

“I had to give myself a suppository! My finger hasn’t gone that far up my own ass since I started buying name brand toilet paper.”

Lewis Sinclair, also a patient at Holy Orders, refused his regularly scheduled sponge bath because he would not allow another man to wipe him down.

“I’d rather smell than cry myself to sleep,” was all Sinclair was willing to comment.

Thus the message has been sent. A world without women is not a pleasant one nor is it a place where any man wants to live.

Ron Steadman especially.

“That bus boy had scars! Scars, I tell ya’! Maybe I shoulda’ tipped him.”

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Patrick Lawlor

Patrick Lawlor is a writer and comedian from New Jersey. He studied improv and sketch comedy writing at the Upright Citizens Brigade in New York.

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