[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
‘God will keep us informed if there’s anything we need to know,’ says the Minnesota representative
Republicans in North Carolina’s state legislature have just introduced a bill that limits the methods for calculating sea level rise as a result of global warming, and Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN) says it’s a great model for national science legislation.
Scientists predict the sea will rise about three feet by 2100, but some folks don’t agree. A group of real estate developers called NC-20, who don’t much like how such predictions affect their property values, have already been successful in getting several counties to officially lower the estimate to 15 inches.
“I’m not saying these people are liars. I’m saying they have a passion for sea-level rise and they can’t give it up,” said NC-20’s Chairman Tom Thompson.
“And now it’s time they act like adults, and see that the market has spoken,” he added.
Bachmann agrees, and plans to introduce legislation in Washington that will go beyond the North Carolina law.
“I don’t know how much God has to do to get the attention of the politicians,” she said. “We’ve had hurricanes, sure, that’ll make the sea rise. But the answer isn’t hedonistic science, it’s listening to God. And He said, ‘Are you going to start listening to me here?’ He’s saying the government is on a morbid obesity diet and we’ve got to rein in the spending. That’s the answer — just ask God. I did.”
Her bill, “The Listen to God, Not Ego-Tripping Scientists Act of 2012” would basically outlaw any science that Congress doesn’t approve of.
The new law would not go so far as to enforce fines or jail time on scientists who flaunt the law, but it would require them to “kneel before God in any Christian church of their choice” for 10 hours for every infraction. They would also have to issue an apology to the American people, “and to their own families.”
The bill lists only a few outlawed findings to start with, or “errant facts,” as the bill calls them. However, more could be added by Congress at any time.
The initially outlawed scientific findings would be:
- Any predictions saying that global warming or climate change will cause a sea rise of more than .001 inches per year (current theory is about .067 inches). Also, the metric system may not be used in any predictions, as “there is no way to know what that would mean.”
- Science which indicates that substances produced by certain industries are bad for you. Included are industries with any companies that give over $5,000 to any representatives in Congress per campaign cycle.
- Studies that says Congressional representatives are getting dumber. (This is seen as a response to a recent study by the Sunlight Foundation, which found that members of Congress have been dumbing down their speeches since 2005. According to the study, if this trend continues unabated, by 2080 they will be speaking to citizens as kindergarteners.)
One congressman, Sen. Roger Wicker (R-MS), claimed to be responding to that study for all of Congress when he said, “Nah-ah! We’re not getting dumber, you are! You make us have to talk at your level. So there!”
Rep. Bachmann said all this nastiness could be avoided. “I just wish scientists would take a good look at themselves and find out: Are they pro-America or anti-America?” she said.
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