[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Old McDonald Backs Assault Weapons Ban

Even the famed long-time farmer supports an assault weapons ban, saying politicians lie and dodge to get re-elected.

Rural wunderkind Old McDonald supports an assault weapons ban. Standing outside his barn, he said military-style weapons should be outlawed, and criticized “killer politicians who talk like they swallow fertilizer. They just ooze shit when they talk.”

assault weapons ban
Sen. Bill Cassidy opposes an assault weapons ban because, well, feral pigs.

Of course, the long-time farmer noted the obvious. “I have nothing against fertilizer. Heck, we use it on the farm.”

Talking Shit Works for Politicians

But Old McDonald insisted his colorful remarks are important. “We’ve got to change the debate over assault weapons in America,” he said. “We need to respect life, which is something we learn to do early on at the farm. Unfortunately, it seems politicians just learn how to  lie, dodge and get re-elected.”

Wearing overalls, Old McDonald said it is time for people to speak up. “I’ve lived my life. I’ve raised plenty of critters,” he said. “Now I want to make sure my grandchildren can live long lives. I bet lots of my fellow Americans feel the same way.”

Real Farmers Can Handle Feral Pigs

Upset over the Texas school attack, he took verbal aim at a Republican politician who he said is talking nonsense. “I watched on my old box TV as Sen. Bill Cassidy blamed the most recent school massacre on feral pigs. That’s hogwash.” He added, “Real farmers know how to protect themselves from invasions by the wild beast. Real farmers still have black and white TVs. And they don’t need military-style weapons to tend to their business.”

The 4 a.m. presser was broadcast live nationally. The early-morning session didn’t stop him from spitting fury. Old McDonald noted his grandchildren attend public elementary schools. “I want them to learn their ABC’s and their numbers,” he said. “I want them to learn how to share and put down the toilet seat. I don’t want them to die.”

Traditional Farm Values Save Lives

A self-described “simple man,” he said he is “steeped in traditional farmer values.” Those values compel Old McDonald to campaign to hold “selfish, destructive, killer pols accountable for their actions and inactions.” The farmer also drew a parallel with the Jan. 6 attack on the U.S. Capitol.

“These Republican cowards are anti-democratic and unpatriotic,” he said. “They called the Jan. 6 insurrection a tourist trip. They didn’t care that some of the ‘tourists’ wanted to hang poor Mike Pence.”

Old McDonald took a minute to spit out some chewing tobacco. Finally, he concluded, “I oppose violence but I intend to hang these evil pols out to dry. Maybe even let some feral pigs torment them.”

Steve Schneider