Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews the former twice-impeached President Donald Trump, aka “The Trumpster.”
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY DUNCAN
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show, I have an exclusive interview with the former twice-impeached President Donald Trump, aka “The Trumpster.”
JERRY
Good morning, Sir.
DONALD TRUMP THE TRUMPSTER
It almost wasn’t good.
JERRY
Oh?
TRUMP
Bad night, Duncan. I thought I had COVID again, because I couldn’t breathe. Then I unbuttoned my pants and it was all ok.
JERRY
Too much KFC, big boy.
TRUMP
Those are the only letters of the alphabet I know.
JERRY
Listen up. I’m going to ask you questions from the recent January 6 Committee hearings.
TRUMP
Fake news. I don’t care.
JERRY
Cassidy Hutchinson. Ring a bell?
TRUMP
I don’t know the person. Any relation to Butch Cassidy? Hopalong Cassidy?
JERRY
She’s the former aide to your Chief of Staff Mark Meadows.
TRUMP
I heard her testify. It’s hearsay evidence. Do you really think I would choke a Secret Service agent?
JERRY
You’re unhinged. Absolutely.
TRUMP
In this case, I would have a right to do it. I’m very upset with them.
JERRY
Why?
TRUMP
One of those guys is in trouble for using the words Mother F**ker. That’s Mike Pence’s code word. Only I’m allowed to call him a Mother F**ker.
JERRY
Ms. Hutchinson said you directed violent protesters to the Capitol with guns and other weapons. That you ordered magnetometers to be removed so they wouldn’t be detected.
TRUMP
I felt safe. My peeps love me. I’m a very stable genius. Very stable.
JERRY
So stable that you threw your lunch against the wall in the White House dining room when your Attorney General Bill Barr said there was no widespread election fraud.
TRUMP
No. I had a wager with Mark Meadows that Barr will eat anything. We wanted to watch him lap up his lunch on the wall like a dog.
JERRY
Your White House attorneys warned you to call off the demonstrators after they breached the Capitol. But you didn’t do anything for 187 minutes. What was going through your mind?
TRUMP
I wanted Vladimir Putin to send in his troops to help the peaceful demonstrators. They were mad there wasn’t a Capitol tour that day.
JERRY
Hold on. I have a call coming in from Vladimir Putin.
VLADIMIR PUTIN
Dunconova. I need talk to Trumpster.
JERRY
I’ll put him on.
TRUMP
Hey, Vlad. Where you calling from?
PUTIN
Georgia.
TRUMP
Beautiful. Can you find me 11,780 votes?
JERRY
Not that Georgia, you idiot.
PUTIN
I want to help you win the election 2024. Then we carve up world.
TRUMP
Is it okay if I carve up Turkey? I do it every Thanksgiving.
PUTIN
Da. And I carve up Ukraine.
TRUMP
Sure. I’ll even throw in the Baltic States.
PUTIN
Goody.
JERRY
Hey, Puty. Do you know the difference between you and a starfish?
PUTIN
Nyet.
JERRY
One is spineless and impossible to reason with and the other one is a starfish.
JERRY
Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin everyone.
The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner
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