The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews The Trumpster

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews the former twice-impeached President Donald Trump, aka “The Trumpster.”

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY DUNCAN

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show, I have an exclusive interview with the former twice-impeached President Donald Trump, aka “The Trumpster.”

Donald Trump The Trumpster
Photo: Gage Skidmore, Wikimedia Commons.

JERRY

Good morning, Sir.

DONALD TRUMP THE TRUMPSTER

It almost wasn’t good.

JERRY

Oh?

TRUMP

Bad night, Duncan. I thought I had COVID again, because I couldn’t breathe. Then I unbuttoned my pants and it was all ok.

JERRY

Too much KFC, big boy.

TRUMP

Those are the only letters of the alphabet I know.

JERRY

Listen up. I’m going to ask you questions from the recent January 6 Committee hearings.

TRUMP

Fake news. I don’t care.

JERRY

Cassidy Hutchinson. Ring a bell?

TRUMP

I don’t know the person. Any relation to Butch Cassidy? Hopalong Cassidy?

JERRY

She’s the former aide to your Chief of Staff Mark Meadows.

TRUMP

I heard her testify. It’s hearsay evidence. Do you really think I would choke a Secret Service agent?

JERRY

You’re unhinged. Absolutely.

TRUMP

In this case, I would have a right to do it. I’m very upset with them.

JERRY

Why?

TRUMP

One of those guys is in trouble for using the words Mother F**ker. That’s Mike Pence’s code word. Only I’m allowed to call him a Mother F**ker.

JERRY

Ms. Hutchinson said you directed violent protesters to the Capitol with guns and other weapons. That you ordered magnetometers to be removed so they wouldn’t be detected.

TRUMP

I felt safe. My peeps love me. I’m a very stable genius. Very stable.

JERRY

So stable that you threw your lunch against the wall in the White House dining room when your Attorney General Bill Barr said there was no widespread election fraud.

TRUMP

No. I had a wager with Mark Meadows that Barr will eat anything. We wanted to watch him lap up his lunch on the wall like a dog.

JERRY

Your White House attorneys warned you to call off the demonstrators after they breached the Capitol. But you didn’t do anything for 187 minutes. What was going through your mind?

TRUMP

I wanted Vladimir Putin to send in his troops to help the peaceful demonstrators. They were mad there wasn’t a Capitol tour that day.

JERRY

Hold on. I have a call coming in from Vladimir Putin.

VLADIMIR PUTIN

Dunconova. I need talk to Trumpster.

JERRY

I’ll put him on.

TRUMP

Hey, Vlad. Where you calling from?

PUTIN

Georgia.

TRUMP

Beautiful. Can you find me 11,780 votes?

JERRY

Not that Georgia, you idiot.

PUTIN

I want to help you win the election 2024. Then we carve up world.

TRUMP

Is it okay if I carve up Turkey? I do it every Thanksgiving.

PUTIN

Da. And I carve up Ukraine.

TRUMP

Sure. I’ll even throw in the Baltic States.

PUTIN

Goody.

JERRY

Hey, Puty. Do you know the difference between you and a starfish?

PUTIN

Nyet.

JERRY

One is spineless and impossible to reason with and the other one is a starfish.

JERRY

Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin everyone.

 

The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner

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