Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news, even that about Post Malone falling through holes, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:
Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
Post Malone suffers bruised ribs after falling through a hole on stage while performing
But, you can still catch him in concert under the name ‘Post Op Malone…’
Majorie Taylor Greene’s husband filed for divorce after 27 years
No word on how he broke the chains and escaped from the basement.
Apple ditches iPhone production increase after demand falters
While investors ask the question, “Who’s Siri now?”
Biden appears to look for Congresswomen killed in car crash: ‘Where’s Jackie?”
Although, he did bring ‘Build Back Better’ back from the dead: so, you never know…
Shakira explains her approach to parenting after split from ex-husband Gerard Piqué
… Apparently, hips don’t lie … husbands not so much.
Hebrew calendar calls in the new year 5783
The Hebrew calendar may say it’s 5783, but people are still partying like it’s 4999….
Largest oil and gas producers made close to $100BB in first quarter of 2022
Let’s face it, oil and gas companies are saving up their profits so they’ll have enough put away for an acid rainy day.
Judge tosses Sidney Powell’s countersuit against Dominion Voting Systems
Although, he did thank her for Kraken him up…
Alec Baldwin And Hilaria Baldwin Welcome 7th Child
One more and a free soda and medium fries.
Kremlin dismisses ‘stupid’ claims Russia attacked Nord Stream
… claims it was probably Moose and Squirrel…
Trump called Chris Christie fat
While Elon Musk asked if Nick Cannon ever heard of condoms.
Wayne Newton turns 80
His cheekbones 47, his nose 38, his Botox 6 months.
Sylvester Stallone and wife Jennifer Flavin called off their divorce
So, a sequel to their Rocky marriage? Should’ve seen that coming.
Hurricane Ian pummels Florida as Category 4 Hurricane
Holy Toledo! Florida’s more underwater than a Trump Casino.
Moscow official dies in staircase fall
…. He was probably trying to get to a floor with an open window….
- Ripping the Headlines Today, 12/3/24 - December 3, 2024
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- Ripping the Headlines Today, 11/19/24 - November 19, 2024