Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host gets interviewed himself this time, by CNN host Chris Wallace.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show. Jerry will be interviewed today by CNN host Chris Wallace.
JERRY DUNCAN
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? Hell, yes. Today on the show, I agree to be interviewed by the legendary Chris Wallace. I’m ready to roll, Einstein.
CNN HOST CHRIS WALLACE
Okay, Jerry.
JERRY
Hold on. There’s a call coming in from my mother.
CHRIS
Can I listen?
JERRY
Who are you the FBI? Knock, knock.
CHRIS
Who’s there?
JERRY
Not your dad Mike. He’s dead…like your brain.
CHRIS
Why did you say that?
JERRY
Because I did my homework. He left you and your mom when you were only one years old.
CHRIS
My parents were like two white polar bears who got married and divorced. They were polar opposites.
MAGGIE DUNCAN
Hey. Did everyone forget about me? I love you, Jerry. Tell me that you love me back.
JERRY
Go away. I’m being interviewed by Chris Wallace. Should I kill myself now or after this conversation?
MAGGIE
It’s up to you. I’m open minded.
JERRY
Bye, mother.
Jerry hangs up the phone.
CHRIS
She’s a hoot. I understand that your mother is the biggest Jerry Duncan cheerleader.
JERRY
She’s a pain in the ass.
CHRIS
Oh? Tell me about it. I mean she’s in heaven.
JERRY
Yes. But mother has lots of free time, so she flies down here on her angel wings to tell me how to live my life. Tries to fix me up with girls, complains about my messy apartment. For the record, I like messy. I can tell you where every empty beer can is around here.
CHRIS
You were raised in Queens until the age of 10 then moved to Wasilla. Why Wasilla?
JERRY
I ask myself that question every day. The truth is my dad got a job selling Klondike ice cream bars to Eskimos. These people are smart, because they keep money hidden in their igloos so they can have cold cash on hand.
CHRIS
Good for your dad. Did your mother adapt to Alaska?
JERRY
No. She missed New York. The Big Apple has everything. Even Indians love it, because there’s a Delhi on every block. Wasilla is backwards. Think about it, Chris. The smartest person in the city is Sarah Palin. That should give you sleepless nights.
CHRIS
If it’s any consolation, she is barred from Toys R Us for shooting My Little Pony.
CHRIS
How did you get your own show?
JERRY
A disc jockey sucked at a radio station where I was an intern. He was fired on the air. My knowledge of Little Johnny jokes saved the day when I literally took over within minutes. The phone lines were ringing off the hook.
CHRIS
Do you remember any of the jokes?
JERRY
Absolutely.
Jerry tells a joke.
JERRY
Johnny is late for school. He stands in the back of the room. The teacher says, “Johnny. One of your socks is green and the other is orange.” Johnny replies, “I have another pair just like it at home.”
CHRIS
Am I supposed to laugh?
JERRY
(sarcastic) No. It’s a fashion statement.
CHRIS
(faking) Ha, ha.
JERRY
When’s the last time you had a belly laugh?
CHRIS
The day Trump gave Rush Limbaugh the Medal of Freedom.
JERRY
There you go. You do have a sense of humor.
JERRY
Chris Wallace everyone. See you tomorrow.
The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner
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